Th e K la s s iq ue Cr i me /

So this is goodbye

2008-12-31T23:47:00.000+08:00

314th post, and this is goodbye.
Few minutes into 2009, and this is also goodbye.
To 2008, to this eventful year, to this love & joy filled much blog.

I start the year in a clean new slate.

Moved to a better, happy place.
http://scriptedrama.blogspot.com/

I don't ask for anything on new year's day but just everything to get better & best.

You know I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind

2008-12-31T03:01:00.001+08:00

What a way to start the last day of 2008, the eve of the first day of 2009.

Not a fascinating way, but heart warming.
Because of you.

The longest & also the best conversation we had. Not better or longer than the ones we had when we were all good. But guess what? I was shaking when you said hello. My palms were perspiring, body shaking, heart racing. I never felt this way after mom & dad left for Beijing. I can always calm myself down easily but this time felt so..different. Why is it so difficult to, I don't know. I thought you were gonna throw into a fit and start being nasty to me but who knew the talk is looking good.

Fucking glad, fucking fucking relieved.
Despite what took place last noon.
Don't blame me for being angry. I mean, natural reaction right? You probably don't give two fucks about it if it were me but because I do, that's why I reacted this way. But then on my way home, I thought if I were in the same position, I'd do the same. I should've understand. My bad.
But I'm all good now, and you know that.

Honestly, I had a lot more than just that to ask you. Like why didn't you ask, why didn't you come, what if I asked you out, do you miss me, do you think of me, do you wish i was right where you were, do you wish i was there to listen to you, do you wish this whole episode didn't took place & all that. I'm sure you can feel it too. I just..didn't have that much amount of courage to ask and not get upset with your reply. Plus you weren't asking me anything, saying you've gotten all the answers you needed..which make me feel like I shouldn't ask too much just so I won't irritate you. Maybe not tonight. I don't know when would I have a chance to talk to you like this again but I hope there will be a chance.

"Be there as much as possible, because that's the only time I can be near you, be close to you, being in your presence, at every possible moment of your life. Is it too big a request?"

Every possible moment of your life.
I wish you were nearer, I wish you were here.

You know I will spill my heart & let the emotions & thoughts of you flow here in my only outlet, any day. If you ever think that no one cares or loves you, please know you still have me darling.
Because I love you too, always have & always will.
♥

I've waited so long to prove that I'm in love with you, will every door that's open lead me straight to you?

The heart of a sensitive person suffers too much to love

2008-12-30T21:15:00.000+08:00

To find someone you love, you've gotta be someone you love.

M: Don't give a fuck la

Yeh I won't, I am not going to. I did but I am not going to now. Super pissed off/jealous/exasperated with you & your stupid ways, stupid thinking. Go, just go hide in your own shell & be stubborn for all I fucking care!

Before leaving for school, I received my parcels! The Forever21 stuff I bought arrived yay! The Chanel necklace & earstuds arrived too hohoho totally made my morning better, other than missing the yummy lunch I looked forward to have. School was pretty okay today. We ended up having lunch in school. Chicken cutlet yumz! Naidu was nagging like a bitch, which is very very him so whatever. The walk to the train station was plaining cursing and swearing, filled with angst. Took train back home with Marc! Quite silent because poor boy is still down with sore throat. He already planned not to attend Friday's class but I have to be there for Shim's presentation... Will see how!

I am also pissed that you went off without letting me see you properly. Tamade, laoniang now damn hot ah >:@

So where does one find love? There's the first kiss. The sloppy kiss. The peck. The sympathy kiss. The backseat smooch. The we shouldn't be doing this kiss. The but your lips taste so good kiss. The bury me in an avalanche of tingles kiss. The I wish you'd quit smoking kiss. The I accept your apology, but you make me really mad sometimes kiss. The I know your tongue like the back of my hand kiss.

But one kiss levitates above all the others. The intersection of function & desire. The I do kiss. The I'll love you through a brick wall kiss. Even when I'm dead, I'll swim through the Earth, like a mermaid of the soil, just to be next to your bones.

I am so annoyed now with so many things. GG is loading very very slowly, buay tahan. And I have no photos to upload today :( Yan just told me what the whole show is gonna be like -.- I AM VERY UPSET THAT LILY ISN'T GOING TO MARRY RUFUS I LOVE THEM TOGETHER :( :( And I like how Blair and Nate are still together despite the mistakes they've made. I also like how Dan & Serena is so omfg-i-am-envious-and-very-jealous sweet & loving together :) :)

I will continue with GG now heh heh I need to plan where to go tomorrow, not stay in & think of your stupid ways & get all emotional. Hmph, GG will cheer me up tata!

I'm all for you, body and soul

2008-12-30T11:42:00.000+08:00

I miss you.
And I have been missing you for a while.

Gossip Girl makes me happy, just like how reading Twilight does. And now, New Moon. Though it's kinda boring now 'cos the part I'm reading Edward is not around. I hope he comes back soon to excite things once again.

We were supposed to meet up at 12 for Swensen's at Holland V but apparently our Little Miss Late is still asleep. Yes at 12. I can happily kiss my lunch goodbye now. I was looking forward to it. (insert sad face here)

Last Tuesday of 2008, tomorrow's the last day of 2008.
I am not looking forward to it at all. I don't even have plans. Other than family dinner at Seafood Paradise at Singapore Flyer tomorrow night. After that, I want to have plans!! (inserts frown face here) Jemi is with boyfriend, I bet Shim would be too. So is Yan, defo with M & the sisters. J is being an irritating pest, waiting for me to ask her out while I'm waiting for her to ask me out (HAHAHA). I wonder if Jon, Ted & Merl are going anywhere tomorrow. I think they are. But where I do not know. Wait..why am I worry so much I do not welcome 2009 so I should not countdown & stay home and emo!!

Ok actually I should welcome 2009 because it is gonna be a much better year for me, riiiiight? (inserts happy face here)

Danica & I are complaining how we don't wanna attend today's class but I know you'll be there so I should attend. Recalling what you said to me last night, all the more I should go. I know it is gonna hurt a little when I see VVS40TTNG & not me in the passenger seat but still, I wanna be there at every possible moment in your life.

I'm gonna continue with GG until Jemi calls me.
kz l8r GG + school for naw ^^

I was just living in the moment & the moment was all about you

2008-12-30T03:38:00.003+08:00

Katy Perry - Thinking of You

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...

x

I think you'd ever only strike a conversation with me when you need my help or thank me for something. So it will start with 'thank you' with your favourite double chin smiley & end with 'welcome' or 'no problem' plus a smiley of my liking.

I'm sure it is not so hard to talk to me.. Or is it really this hard? I guess I made it this hard. I'm sorry.

But tonight I think this is the longest conversation we ever had between us after that we-all-know-because-of-what-stupid-things-I-did conversation. Yay or nay?

Yay for me but nay for you.

x

I like what we have now because there is this home feeling with you, not because of this complicated platonic relationship. I don't wanna go into talking about us again because I know after that you're gonna start behaving all weirdly, tell me things I don't wanna hear or things that would hurt me & the pain would last for a few days. I don't want that to happen. I wanna keep things how we're like now. Close like lovers are but inside, I don't know where your heart lies but I know the home of my heart is your heart.

"Your heart said so."
"No, I'm sure it didn't. Although my heart is nearer to you than it is to me, I am sure it wouldn't say that of you. My heart knows that I love you."

And next? I had to change topic with a snap of my fingers before you start your nonsense again. See how much I don't wanna hear what I don't wanna hear? I really like what we do together. Having plans for the next outing, next next outing, next next next outing just like before. Having plans to meet up with mutual friends for dinner or just to catch up over coffee, shop for the same things together, things you like = things I like, I know what you hate most & vice versa, knowing what each other is craving to have for dinner at that very moment, without having to ask we both know what we're thinking about just by exchanging glances.
You're the lover kind of best friend, the best friend kind of lover.
I don't think I can ever live without you, darling.
♥

I've been trying to cheer you up, put my unhappy self behind so it wouldn't affect your mood at all. And right now, I am so fucking drained. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Bedtime, g'night xx

But this close to crazy, is far from over you.

Love is nothing like it should be

2008-12-29T23:28:00.000+08:00

Love me, because loves doesn't exist, & I have tried everything that does.

I had quite a blast today with J, the last Monday of 2008 :)

School was pretty alright. I weren't listening most of the time. Klissmas lunch was good :) Since when lunch wasn't good with the girls? More prease!

After lunch, I headed over to Cathay to meet J. Accompanied her to lunch at Plaza by the Park's Kopitiam, sat around & discussed about the birthday celebration. It was about time for our movie so we walked back to Cathay.

Guess what, Twilight was very very good. Fabulous. I love it!

E & B ♥

They make me want to be a vampire too. Be with the one you love forever & never die. Go without sleep for years and never get limited edition Gucci eye bags. Have perfect complexion. Strength. Speed. I want :(

I think I will watch it again.

After the movie, it was around 6pm. We went over to Clarke Quay. Wanted to have dinner at Fisherman's Wharf but the stench was unbearable. Didn't wanna smell bad after dinner either! So we took a train back to my place & had Ajisen instead :) Bumped into Yan (L)(L)(L) who's sick & back from KL!!!!! We exchanged presents & she got me this leopard & zebra printed buffers! Cuuuuute I like :) Thank you bff <3

We were early so we did the usual thing. Sat around at the park to talk. We had a lot of fun today, didn't we J? Laughing & teasing people, the jokes & all that. I love today :)

Right: I was laughing............

SO FAKE SIA

First attempt: FAILED

Second attempt: NOT TOO BAD

Third attempt: PERFECT LA

I am not going to do the assignment because I am very very tired. I only had few hours of sleep. I keep waking up throughout the night for god knows what reasons for god knows who. I am going to sleep without even doing Naidu's homework. Goodnight sugarbabies.

P/s: Thank you :) Happy 19th xoxo!
P/p/s: Yan wo ai ni hen duo, prease get well soon so we can go picnic karaoke shopping movie idk whatever everything anything wo ai ni! (L)

But you're afraid in ways that I can't comprehend

2008-12-29T07:27:00.000+08:00

There's gotta be a reason for the rain.

I'm fucking early. I woke up at 6.30am. Zel was up at 6.50am for CCA fair. Stupid. I was ready to leave at 7.15am, much earlier than every other day. So I came on & watched Gossip Girl.

Yeh at 7 frikkin' am in the morning.

I was thinking if I should start on the homework Naidu give us, tsk. Assignments are not enough, still give homework :(

My eyez r so painfool & I love Blair. Serena's pretty. I h8 Vanessa's existance. I luv Gossip Girl.

Yayz klissmas lunch & Twilight l8r ^^

Ah Jems is still not done, I shall continue with GG.
I promise a proper update tonight!
♥

You're what keeps me believing this world's not gone dead

2008-12-29T03:08:00.000+08:00

Why can't stop thinking of you, get all breathless when you're near?

I am starting to dislike things that reminds me of you. It's almost everything. What have we not done when we're together. It's the things we do & enjoy together that reminds me of you. They never fail to. I wish they would stop. I wonder how you do it like you do. You go about everyday without a single thought of me, keep laughing & keep being happy with your friends but why can't I?

When we agreed it was lust, that your lips were on mine, I was happy. Now I want it back again. I want that very moment. Every single moment. With you. I'm at my best when I am with you. Why can't you see it?

It's not that I do not want to let go. I want to because I've been upset so long, long enough for a seed to blossom into a beautiful flower & I'm still here missing you, tearing away, watching the clip of happy memories. I don't want to because..because..I don't know. Something stops me, I don't know what is it. Seems like my heart knows you'd come home to me after all, that's why I am not willing to let it go.

You're the reason why I don't wanna leave 2008 for the happy memories we've made & go into 2009 without you at all.
♥

P/s: Happy 19th. Though it was a bad start cos we spoke of her just now. But I love you anywayz.
P/p/s: Tomorrow is going to be better because school + lots of love kissmas lunch with Jems & Shim + Twilight and cheap kopitiam dinner with J :)
P/p/p/s: I am already in the midst of saving up & planning for the surprise, yay or nay?

We had a love, but we still said goodbye.

But I've been thinking of you, got these far away blues

2008-12-28T04:31:00.005+08:00

Tonight was great.
The opera was fabulous, distracted by every thought of you that comes into my head once in awhile. Supper was even better, the happy couple behind reminded me so much of how things used to be.

I find myself thinking of you more when I try not to. The more I tell myself I should have fun tonight because I deserve to, the lesser fun I have. But tonight, I did have fun, going around in the day with thoughts of you running in my head.

To be honest I didn't expected anything 'cept thank yous and more thank yous from you. Well, if that's what you were thinking yknow, I wanted something more more more from you. But no, I don't. I do not. Absolutely. I explain because I want you to know, I want you to understand. I believe somehow you'll get to know it..I don't know how but I'm just hoping someone would tell you about or something. Or, you already know it. I prefer the latter though.

I still miss you..I guess. I don't know but I shouldn't be at all or anymore. Because remember I told _ that I'd get you out of my system after this because I've prayed so much for you & for me, told God what I always wanted, did what I have to and it's been omg-long-enough-fifty-one days, so how long am I expected to stay here for? I know you're worth it, you're worth everything I am doing right now but do you think so?

M & her boyfriend of three years broke up because her boyfriend fell for someone else. So he went with this girl but they didn't work out. So after eight good months, he went back for M. Guess what, M took him in. Still. Yes. She did. A said she was naive to do so, dumb decision. But I said nothing. I've never heard of stories like these. That's why I didn't actually believe that this might happen to me/us after all, or there might be a possibility. So then I wondered if that was gonna happen to me. Or even us. I didn't think M was naive, or was it a dumb decision. Because if G were M, she would have done the same, I thought.

Are we gonna get closure on this, ever? Are we coming out of history already?
Are we?

Just three words, my love: you meant everything.
♥

Thinking of a way to get you to stay, & I'll promise to fight the wind & wait for you.

My brain's the weak heart, my heart's the long stairs

2008-12-27T23:58:00.000+08:00

Are you satisfied baby or do you wish it was me?

April came over & we enjoyed the whole lazy afternoon together. Ended it off with a very late lunch at Long John at 5pm. I ran home straight after sending her off to prepare for opera later.

I thought the opera was gonna turn out bad but who would know it was pretty good! I love it :) Pearlyn looked adorable in her outfit, as usual. Rhys, performing was the first time in two scenes, looked fabulous as well. Cute Rhysie boy :)

Before the show

2006

2008

Ok I promise to cut my fringe soon so I won't look like an idiot. Zel didn't tell me my fringe was covering my pretty eyes! :( We had a group photo but it is with Sally & Allan. :( :( I better look better in those photos!

Godma Sue drove Zel & I home after photo-taking. Now with mom & dad, we're heading for supper! Yay we're finally having proper supper :D Tata!

"You can't make everybody happy."

"You'd like to at least make yourself happy, though."

I'm never going to know you now but I'm going to love you anyhow

2008-12-27T03:13:00.000+08:00

Why do I have a strong gut feeling that you met someone new?

It's been draining on me these days but I still stay up and think of you tonight. Well, another miss you nights. The way you looked, the way you smiled, the way you held, the way you did your walk, the way you said thank you, the way you said fuck you. Why can't I not remember so much about you?

I remind myself constantly that when I do all of these for you, you do not know a single thing about it. If you'd get to know about it, you cannot be bothered by it either. You would not feel sorry for me, or even a least bit thankful for all that I've done.

I don't know anything but I know I still want the best for you.

And, I wished you asked. I wished you didn't just reply a simple 'fuck you'. Can I also mention that we were all disappointed that you did not bother to? I wished you remembered what you said the other time. I wished you remember everything like the way I did. I wished you knew how much I've missed & still missing you. I wished you knew your hugs are the warmest in the times of coldness like this. I wished you knew when tears fall your kisses would soothe me in a millisecond. I wished you knew when I need a listener or someone to rant to about my bad day I would think of you as the best candidate to pick from. I wished you knew you're in my prayers every single night. I wished you knew I always love to see your pretty face on my cellphone screen. I wished you knew what I really wish for & want this Christmas. I wished when you look at me it reminds you just as much happy times as it does for me. I wish you would not just stay in this silence but finally break it. I wished you find it hard to look at me in the eye. I wish you would make an effort to take a second look at me. I wish you knew how much I've wished & still wishing for you.
I wished you'd never meet someone like me.

'Cos everything inside it never comes out right & when I see you cry, it makes me wanna die. I'm sorry about all the things I said to you & I know I can't take it back.

I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds.
♥

Memories seem like so long ago, time always kills the pain

2008-12-26T23:46:00.001+08:00

But the sadness just sleeps & it stays in your spine for the rest of your life.

The photoshoot this morning was a quick one. Thank God. I wasn't in the mood for any photo-taking but no choice :/ very very grumpy! I was super tired though it was almost twelve in the noon. Had lunch at Han's with the family before heading to school. Mom said I should never take set meals 'cos I can never finish, I should take a muffin instead O.O

So after lunch I took a train to Queenstown & bumped into Marc on the way. So nice of him to help me with the heavy bag of goodies. Jemi came in a cab to pick us to class.

When Jemi gave out the presents, seeing the smiling faces made me feel so happy. I don't know why. I may not have known them for long but we have another five more months together. Or should I say, only five months together. I'm glad :) Nithya's "Glynis! Thanks for the present!", Adam came over to our table & went "Hey, thanks for the treat", Jessica's "Glynis, thanks for the present ha.." on my wall in Facebook. The special three (our very own ugly boyband, we always call them) with two Ferrero Rocher, Kit Kat & more sweets in theirs, their thank yous never felt the same.

Christmas, the season of giving.
Though now I've to think of a way to stitch up the hole in my pockets but I'm happy. It's like, sharing joy :)

Class ended with the presentation & I got free manicure from Jemi! After everyone's done with theirs, we went off together. Ray drove so Mat & him went off while Jemi's boyfriend came to pick her & Marc, Shim & I walked to the station.

When walking back, we spoke of you.

M: You should blog about it tonight.
G: Say what?
M: "I thought you ............ haisxz"
G: *laughs* h-a-i-s-x-z
M: Yeh, haisxzzxssxz
S: You every time blog about * one leh!
M: Yeh lor
G: Huh obvious ah!?
M: Duh!
S: Yeh la!!
G: You got read meh?
S: Of course la! Every time scroll down, eh below got one emo post for * lor!
Hm, really?

Dad came to pick me with mom & sis in the car. Today is such a lazy Friday. I didn't even bother to plan to do anything in the evening but dedicate the time to the family instead. We headed home, had dinner, watched telly & went supper :) YUMZ I love supper time with them

Now I'm talking to SL & April on msn. Gonna watch an episode of GossipGirl & go to bed! I am very very tired, sooo tired, super tired! Tomorrow I will have breakfast with the family, then April will come over for a cold lazy Saturday then I will head for opera at The Esplanade. If I can push opera away tomorrow night, I will. I wanna rest at home :(

Sleep brings release, and the hope of a new day waking the misery of being without you.

Spoken words like moonlight, you're the voice that I like

2008-12-26T01:50:00.003+08:00

"But for now let me say,"
"Without hope or agenda,"
"Just because it's Christmas-"
"(And at Christmas you tell the truth)"
"To me, you're perfect"
"And my wasted heart will love you"

I think I've held back for long enough, for this "stay happy" period just so I don't break down & cry, feel upset & sorry for myself, keep whispering apologies to you for crying so hard over missing you again.

But tonight, I let the tears ruin my make up, let them smudge, let the mascara run upon hearing what I didn't wanna hear..

Breaking down.
Finally.

I hope breaking down this time would be the last time in a long long while. This cry would be a huge ass reminder to how much more stronger I have to be from now on.

x

There's no reason your name should come up on my cell, unless you're in need but that shouldn't be the case on Christmas. I was surprised as I read 'Merry Christmas', yet a little happy at the same time. The same familiar ID photo I attached to your contact in my phone, the same familiar feeling I get whenever I see your name.

I hope tomorrow is going to be a much better day. With all the gifts to be given out & a few to receive, I am looking forward to it. I wanna be happy tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and every day that follows.

Not another crying night like this, I sure do not need it.

I think I haven't said this to you in a while but
I love you, darling.

Forty-nine days of waiting.
One hundred and thirteen days of love.
Five hundred and seventy-seven days of true love & lust.
Which would you pick?
♥

I have to say you're perfect in every way.

I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did

2008-12-25T23:39:00.001+08:00

December never felt so wrong, 'cos you're not where you belong; inside my arms.

The day went fabulous. Though it was cold outside but the weather was good. Good enough weather for Christmas.

We had lunch at 99c sushi again :)

Gastric attacked J so I ordered this Yasai Miso Soup for her. Really KNS.

After lunch, we wanted to watch Twilight but the queue was damn long so J suggested that we download off the net or get the dvd instead. Too full from lunch, we decided to walk to Marina Square area.

And on the way there, we bumped into Jinman & family.... :) Aunt Brenda saw me too. Heh. We gave up walking halfway, took the bus at Le Meridien & alighted at Suntec Convention Center. Stopped by for ice-cream!

"Choc choc" chip & cookies and cream

Cheeky "I wanna eat my ice-cream" look

"Muahahaha I am eating you!!!!!!!"

After that, we shopped around Marina Square. I panicked again. I don't know why I did. I should not have. I should..I don't know. Shut up inner self. So we shopped, bought presents & did last minute shopping. I don't know why every year I have to wait until the very last minute before I can start shopping. Is it a lot better if I start early, with a proper shopping list? This shall be on my new year resolution.

We got bored, & was still full from lunch & ice-cream so we headed to Dhoby Ghaut 'cos I needed to go Daiso & Times. Bought the necessay: New Moon :) Ap, you can have yours back already thank youuuuuuu so much!! Come for tea over my place on Saturday? I want some peace, cupcakes & caffeine :) Let me know!! So after buying things, we went to BK to have dinner. The rendang is nice!! :D We took a train back to my place & sat around at the void deck as it was still early.

I luv outfit shots :)

"Aisehhhhhhhhhhh"

Left the area at around 10ish & headed home :) Super tired!!! I'm gonna turn in after this, stop my head from functioning so it wouldn't think so much. I cannot wait for tomorrow!

Do you remember..it's our second Christmas together? I've never spend so much time with someone so close in my life before. You're the first.

I find my heart is growing weak

2008-12-25T10:04:00.000+08:00

"Then it dawned on me: all those years that I prayed, that I begged on my hands & knees for God to make me more, give me more, make me better, make me stronger, make me saner, make all my dreams come true, I finally got an answer; you. Right there in one person, all I'd ever wanted to be or do, & there you are. You came right through me, & I never even realised. I hate it when it's right in front of your face & you miss it. Don't you?"

Yeh I know I'm so not a morning person but 'cos we gotta send Merl off to Hongkong this morning, I woke up diligently at 6am in the morning. So we headed to the airport, got the necessay check-in done & off she went. I hope she have fun there. I told her to get some pretty leggings for me ^^ I am into this leggings craze of recent, I don't know why.

After that, we headed to North Point for Hong Kong Cafe :) The journey there was long enough for me to read a chapter of New Moon. I like car rides. I never liked breakfast though it is the most important meal of the day. I get tummy upset after eating. I only had one slice of toast & a cup of ice milk tea & now my tummy is upset :[ dislike breakfast.

So now I'm home, with nothing much to do. I shall start on Jailani's presentation. On Nyonya. Finally something that has gotta do with nothing about communication. I had enough of communication. Or maybe I will watch GG. Meeting J at one. I will start getting busy to prepare myself at eleven.

I haven't told you yet, but I'm going to be with you

2008-12-25T03:30:00.000+08:00

Finally, it is the end of my emo gloomy Christmas eve.

So what did I do?
x had very little dinner
x did Naidu's essay
x online shopped
x watched Gossip Girl
x played Facebook games
x Merl came to stayover so we had supper at Ya Kun
x talked to Delon, RachaelG, April & J
x had Haagen Darz ice-cream
x planned tomorrow's itinerary
x cleaned & polished my dslr
x watched The Family Stone
x watched cartoons
x thought of you

Not bad huh at least I finished my essay & finally started on GG. Ya Kun was good, it always have been. Ice-cream was given by Merl. Green Tea flavored. I don't like it. Tomorrow's itinerary is to have cheap & good lunch at Kopitiam, shop for both our presents, have a lot of pictures taken, walk every street with nice Christmas lightings, have pictures taken & feel Christmasy, have a good dinner at a nice (need not be) posh place with super duper good food & lastly head home feeling really happy & have to have enjoyed each other's company. My camera is all set to start work anytime, it's all clean. Watching The Family Stone feels so..awww & so warmth. I like. Cartoons were funny but I didn't laugh 'cos I watched it a few times already. Thinking of you wasn't the best part of it all but it put a smile on my face.

If I could let my feelings out, then I could show you that I have been thinking that we'd have gotten farther if we never even started at all. I wished we hadn't so we could cut all the awkwardness right now.

I took my morning walk, I took my evening walk, I ate something, I thought about something, I wrote, I napped & dreamed something too, & with all that something, I still have nothing because so much of something has always been & always will be you.

I miss you.

I love you like the stars above, I'll love you 'til I die.
♥

Merry Christmas, my love.

Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry outloud

2008-12-24T17:55:00.000+08:00

Christmas blues.
I will spend this Christmas eve, being all emotional at home.

I was supposed to meet J for more shopping & more photo-taking :[ Making me more upset than ever, something just have to happen. Fated, I guess

I remember that day when we had lunch together, the conversation between Marc & I..

G: How you know? How did you find out?M: Wah lau so obvious on your blog!
G: Oh can read ah, can don't link hor
M: Yeh, I didn't link you what!
G: CAN SAY AH!
*Jemi & I burst into laughter*
M: Oh oh oh!! *laughs*

I luv having lunch with my favourite people. Only if Shim weren't that tired from work the night before, she'd be there as well & it'll be picture perfect.
Yeh you're still favourite.

Westlife's Moments just have to come on on iTunes. What a right time.

The present for the girls & Yan arrived in the mail today :) Sho harpie. I will wrap them up nicely with a huge ass sticker that spells FRAGILE on it. I haven't gotten J's, xx's & mom & dad's present yet. I like what I got for the girls, Yan & x :) I think x will love it. I cannot wait to see they two again! They make me happy, even though it kinda make me sad in a way.

I cannot wait for Friday to come so I'd see the girls, I'd give them the presents, the boys & also the class! I like making people around me happy, whether I am happy or not.

Today, I will..
x finish Naidu's essay & start on Jailani's presentation.
x wrap the presents
x write the love note
x read the magazines I bought
x try not to cry because it's Christmas eve though I'm without you
x pack my new clothes aside so I wouldn't wear them until New Year
x think of my Christmas outfit before I go bed tonight
x sleep early so I will be wacky & crazy, all ready for a good long day with J tomorrow
x not countdown to Christmas because I have no Christmas feel at all
x have happy thoughts, nothing dirty, unhappy & unhealthy
x blog as & when I feel like it
x treasure every 2008 moment that is left

We'll see if I can do it ok. Kz till later, I will definitely blog again

Just save me a place between your sheets, and I'll let you make a mess out of me.

Now blank stares and empty threats are all I have, they're all I have

2008-12-24T16:12:00.000+08:00

"you know, he used to tell me how wonderful you were, but guys always say great things about their girlfriends until they break up. that's when the truth comes out. you know, I've waited 15 years to find out what he really thinks about you. do you wanna know what he thinks about you now that you're broken up?"

"no. shawn, i don't want to talk about him."

"now that you've broken up, he still tells me how wonderful you are."

Day 45: I wanna know what great things you have said about me.

Kinda made me think of that day when I mentioned a little (too much) about the past. "Can you not talk about it already?" Is it because I remind you of how happy things used to be & now they are not the same anymore? Is it easy for you there baby, 'cos it is hard for me here. I'm sure you could tell, even a blind man would be able to.

Don't stop calling, you're the reason I love losing sleep

2008-12-24T03:19:00.000+08:00

Whatever I've said to you has fallen on deaf ears.
I'm exasperated. Disappointed. So very tired.
Why do you not understand :(

I wanna know why you asked, I wanna ask but I'm afraid of your answer.

x

Last night, I went through my inbox filled of your texts. The one you sent just a month or two back on that very day, the first sentence had tears welled up in both my eyes & when I read them out loud, I was tearing like mad. My voice was trembling with fear, guilt & sadness.

No doubt, every sweet text from you I read did made me smile but the bitterness stayed where my heart is. How can I ever make it go away.. I guess the only time when it will really go away is when you're out of my heart & my mind. I don't know when will be the time but I hope it is real soon. As much as I want to remember this feeling I have for you that I would never feel the same for someone else, I have to because I'm dying to see the real me, the happier me again.

That look into your eyes, I saw sparks that flew. Was it supposed to be this way because you said _ the other time? I was afraid, that was why I looked away. So so afraid, I dare not look at you.
I wish I could still say I'm strong like before but I don't think I am anymore.

"Love you!" rings in my head quite often in your velvety voice of recent..
And that's the only thing you said that I can remember in your voice. I wish I'd record our conversation in the past, so I wouldn't have to miss you so much. I wish every sweet nothing you whispered into my ears would ring in my head forever like you've just said them to me. Something quite very impossible.
I'm sorry darling, but I miss you so.
♥

I could sleep forever these days because in my dreams I see you again

2008-12-23T23:47:00.001+08:00

I can't help but feeling I'm losing him this time.

I only had two hours of sleep. When Jemi left the house, I just woke up. I felt so bad that I couldn't go back to sleep at all. So I woke up & waited for Shim to get ready. When we left the house, Jemi called to ask us to go back home & send her the assignments so that she can print.

I'm so sorry Jemi :[

So I called J & we met up for lunch at Plaza by the Park's Kopitiam. Yummy yummy bak chor mee + chilli & vinegar duo duo :D There's the same Thai food stall at Anchorpoint there!! Yay I can have Thai food more often now hehe.

After lunch, we walked over to City Hall & shopped a little :) :) Bought x's present! I think she'll like it hehe.

After that we took a train back to my place. Headed for Starbucks. Yay yay yay I need daily dosage of caffeine. I was really tired & sleepy & dying!

Went to get ink cartridge for the printer & headed home. Super tired I tell you. I almost fell asleep waiting for dad to come home so we can go for dinner. Gran & Che came over to stay yay :) More company hehe.

Dad came to pick us & we went to Seafood Paradise for dinner. Met Godma Irene, Ter/Ted & Merls there. The dinner was really good. Chilli crab, shark's fin, baby squid, youtiao, kangkong & pork's ribs. I'm still feeling full from dinner! We stayed there until around 10pm. Talked & all that. Merl & Ted were damn funny, Zel &I laughed a lot. He reminded me of the other time we went Zouk together. I wasn't eighteen yet so we had to sorta get ready Merl's ID just in case. Haha and all that dance moves!! Frikkin' retarded, I can remember! He said we'll hang out before he flies home on the 5th. They are going Hong Kong tomorrow! And mom was planning to tag along butttttt my passsport is expiring so.. :( Bleah, this sucks.

Ok I cannot take it anymore. I'm so tired. Physically, mentalling & emotionally. I haven't been sleeping well and haven't been sleeping much either. Sigh :[ I need a good rest, a good break.. G'night for now.

P/s: Yan, have fun in KL :) Picnic/karaoke when you're back!! (L)

The tamer my love, the farther away it is from love

2008-12-23T04:54:00.000+08:00

I just finished printing your essay. I'll print theirs tomorrow morning. The printer takes forever to print one page.

I like to know that you're near. I like your shirt, I've never seen you in it. You look good actually..well, all the time. But not when you don't get enough sleep & get all grumpy.

Today. First time I met your eyes after so long. The 'bye' in your velvety voice. I hope you know all that meant a lot to me, although it is just a little something.

And I'm sorry for something I/we did but I don't wanna tell you about 'cos you're gonna scream profanities at him again, as usual. Sorry, we did it out of fun & jisiaoing. Oh, and stop it, it's not free loading. I got really pissed off when you say that. It's like in that I can't do anything for you sense. And it is not that..you know it better than anyone else what I've done for you.

Your present's the biggest, fattest & heaviest. I know I am fucking biased but that's because you're special. Although I know you're never a fan of sweets (other than IKnowWhat) & chocolates especially, but I still gave you a lot more than others. I don't know. I even considered buying x x x for you 'cos Jemi suggested so. But I cannot remember the name of it so :/ maybe tmr? heh.

Be near more often from now on, oki?

I think right now you're about 4,092,008 miles away from me. I hope you're safe, and thinking of me.
♥
ily x

I know it's a matter of hours 'til the tears begin

2008-12-22T20:21:00.000+08:00

I'd whisper that I love you as you fall out of your clothes.

Presentation sucked. I am always bad at presentations. I was shivering like hell, as much as I try not to show it. (Or does it show!?)

So after presentation, class ended just before 3pm. Dammit. I could've met J for more late minute shopping. I've yet to get for x & xx!!

We had lunch then Jemi's boyfriend came so she left. Shim & I stayed to talk until it was time for her to meet her friend. I iz damn jealouz. LH got Shim something so :O!!! on their first month.

So nice!! Wo ye yao *hint hint*

We walked to the train station at 4pm so I got home at around 5ish :) After dinner, Zel & I went to grab whatever we can. I was short of a few things for the class. We came back & started packing. I need to breathe so I just came in here & cough a stupid entry.

I'll put up the photos of the presents tmr!

I might not go for morning class after all. Depending on how late I sleep tonight. Gotta complete the essay before I turn in tonight! And yes, Christmas cards have been sent out so yay :)

And April, I received yours in the mail today. Don't tire yourself out from work alright, luv u x

G: Mom, if you were my friend, would you feel very fortunate to be my friend?Mom: Yeh, I will. (pause) But now I am not because I'm your mom.
G: *laughs* so do you wanna be my friend then?
Mom: Yeh.
G: *still laughing but harder this time*Ok, I'll get you the application form.

She can be really lame when she is in the good mood. I still luv my menopause mom nonetheless :) she is getting me the twilight saga for Christmas though I asked for a new DS.. :/ And she's getting me a hard disk so ok I shall give her discount. New DS another time then!

We've been wrapping & packing up since 7.30pm. I hope I finish up by 10pm so I can sit down, concentrade on editing my essay. I shall go help Zel with the packing, tata xx

P/s: I cannot wait to give out the presents, cannot wait to receive either!!

Did I dream you dreamed about me?

2008-12-22T04:28:00.000+08:00

I'm glad you started. I hope you really did.

And I really really miss you, smokepot sleepyhead. I feel like I haven't seen you in a week.
Be there tomorrow, won't you?

x

Shimin.(R) says: okay. (L) u okay. aiya cant help but to feel bad tt u feel this way
Shimin.(R) says: (})
Shimin.(R) says: i logging off alr. anything abt anything, proj or wad. jus tell me loh, i heart pain sia u like tt. really. like i did a mistake somewhere. but i didnt realise

I luv this girl, it's official, she's too cute too sweet not to be loved by anyone.
LH, you better treat her nicer.

(L) to you, S.
And I (L) you too :)

x

I know I need to update. 2008 is ending soon, I'm sad :( I had beautiful memories made in 2008... I wonder what 2009 will bring. A more melancholic year, or a much happier one? I have no plans of how I wanna spend Christmas, or New Year's Day yet. Presentation tmr. Finally one down. Tuesday is the deadline for the essay so yay. Two down & I'm all ready to enjoy my favourite season of all time :) Whether we do something or nothing on that day is gonna tell if I'm gonna enjoy it.

kz sleep nawz am super knocked out its 4.28am
skool l8rz at 9am whoa powderfool me

I'm gonna close my eyes & forget about us

2008-12-21T23:07:00.000+08:00

And I think you would agree; the best thing is that it's happening to you & me.

So no breakfast with the folks. I slept in instead. I didn't even had lunch & rushed off to Aunt's place :) I luv going Che's place 'cos there's internet access at her place & Cathay nearby.

Mom insisted that I must have lunch so Che, Zel & I went over to Vista Point to have lunch. After lunch, we went back to her place & I continued with my essay.

Around 5pm, I cabbed down to Bukit Panjang Plaza to meet J. Idiot, always late ah! >:@ Went to surprise Xav :) :) The expression on her face was priceless. She asked a lot about me (yeh duh, like why the hell am I in BPP when I live at the other end of Singapore) & said I slimmed down a lot & look prettier whoohoo!

I wanted to have Hong Kong Street Cafe for dinner but I kept silent 'cos I don't want J to spend too much, also I wanted to have what she wanna have so we ended up at Mos. When we got our food, I told her I really wanted to have Hong Kong Street Cafe for dinner, I want fried rice then she said she was thinking of having it too!! But she thought I might wanna have Mos 'cos the other day we were supposed to eat Mos :( Then I told her, she can come over to eHub heh heh 'cos there's one outlet there hohoho.

The above two are my favourite ♥♥

Look like one side is botox-ed.

After dinner, I went to visit Xav to tell her we were leaving. My bedroom secret, one more in the know. I had to tell her, I feel. I'm glad she wasn't pissed off at me or whatsoever. She just said, "As long as you're happy & in love." :) J & I then took bus 190 to Dhoby Ghaut then took the train back to my place. Went shopping first. Bought hell lot of things. Then we had ice-cream + nuggets at Mac's. Fat fat fat :( This must stop. I should stop stressing myself so I won't have to eat so much!!! Gotta thank J for helping me with the bags & being so patient with me :) :)

It was still early so we sat at Sculpture Park before heading home.

♥

She was playing with my dslr. Sat for awhile, talked about our family, all the conflicts & such. Called cab for her, waited for her cab to come before I headed home.

Thanks J, for everything today :)
See you on xmas eve!

I'm sad that Yan will be away on Christmas :(

The stars that twinkle in the sky are twinkling in your eyes

2008-12-20T23:16:00.000+08:00

It wouldn't be so bad if all those heartbreaks were with you.

I spent this afternoon writing cards before I head out. I take forever to write them, I know.

Caught Another Crazy Christmas in the noon featuring the Dim Sum Dollies®: Selena, Pam and Emma, our home-boy Hossan Leong, singing thespians like Petrina Kow (last heard on Radio 91.3), Michaela Therese (“My Favourite Things”) Robin Goh, (“Chang & Eng” & “Asian Boys Vol. 3”), John Lee (“A Crazy Christmas 2007” and a singer with Vocaluptuous), Neo Swee Lin (Ah Ma from “Phua Chu Kang”) and Lim Kay Siu (Frankie Foo from “Phua Chu Kang” and last seen in “Kallang Roar”). It was really fabulous. Made me laughed a lot. I think I'm starting to like Hossan Leong. This show is definitely worth every cent.

After that, I went to shop alone 'cos the accessories from Topshop just caught my eye while I was waiting for them to arrive.

I came out of the store with $36 poorer.
But got a bangle & 5 pairs of pretty earrings!

Pretty right pretty right!! :D

After that I went to meet mom & dad & sis.

Shopped at Cotton On. Came out almost $200 poorer.

After that, we headed home. I received this in the mail.

Lovely huh :) :) Such a accessories junkie I am.

Oki tmr I'm gonna go breakfast with the folks, then head to Aunt's place in Woodlands. Complete my assignments, & meet J for yummy cosy dinner + a bit of late minute shopping. This shall be the plan. Damn tired now, goodnight!

The look in your eyes is you're dying to kiss me

2008-12-20T03:33:00.000+08:00

I can't imagine why that would be frustrating at all — just because someone refuses to tell you what they're thinking, even if all the while they're making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean... now, why would that be frustrating?

Agree?

Y'know what, as much as I say I am not going to be bothered about you, I hate what you're doing right now. I don't care if you find me a nuisance but if you really think so, look at yourself. You fucking are the moron. Fine by me if you don't wish to care about me, don't wish to be reminded of me, you or us & what we used to do & have. But what you are doing right now, is ruining yourself & your life. Do you remember what we agreed on? I am leading my life like how I used to, 'cept now that I am without you. Maybe happier than before, maybe less happier than before. But I still lead my life normally. So tell me, what are you doing now. Is this your life? Is this leading "life as per normal"? Fucking hell no.
Stop it, I am dead fucking serious. Stop doing what you are doing. Stop fucking yourself up, stop fucking your studies up, stop fucking your life up. You are giving up on yourself, so are your friends. Your friends. He can say "this sem ah, I don't think can have As la" about you already, do you know what the fucking hell does that mean? This is not you. This is not the you I know..
Start being yourself luv, it's making me upset to see you like that :(

x

As he told me what he thinks I should do, his eyes were filled with concern. He helped me by listening to me & help me with what I needed to know most of the time. I saw a different friend in him that I've never met before. It was this part of him that I never though I'd see. I felt unique to have him. A keeper, definitely. xoxo to you :)

Suggestions given? Talk. Set a trap & meet up.
I said yes to none, no to all.
While typing this, and also analyzing what he & she has told me, I've decided that I will do something about it by myself.

This weekend I'll be busy with two essays to complete, two presentations to prepare for, one fucking dumb letter from my parents to Mr Naidu/Wolverine to write, getting 60 goodie bags from Daiso + candycanes, sweets & chocolates from supermarket enough for 60 pax, xmas cards to be sent out, payment in for the girls' xmas gifts (aren't you excited girlies), and xmas gift list to be out.
Tsktsk I foresee a sleepless, draining weekend ahead...

P/s: Look at the time................................

I feel like you've always been forever a part of me

2008-12-20T03:13:00.000+08:00

J, Unbelievable came on in iTunes.

And you came into my head.

(Well, just so you know :))

Feel my chest when I look at you

2008-12-19T04:00:00.000+08:00

I think I'm afraid to be happy..because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens.

That made think. Well, not a lot, so not to worry. I was shocked, astonished, stunned, aghast, speechless & completely silent. I couldn't believe my eyes, I have to read it over & over again. I took a screen shot of it. I don't know if that specific someone is me, or if that message was for me. But I secretly hope it is.

I've waited so long, so what's waiting for another forty days? When days turn into months, and months turn into years. I would still be waiting.
To seek closure, or the comfort I've sought in you forty-one days ago?
You hold the decision.

And if I could, I would hold your hand walk through hell & back again just to prove that we can.

With thoughts of you aside, I'll continue to finish up with the assignment.
I'm guessing that you're asleep. Sleep tight darling :)
goodnight & i mizz you kthxbai ^^
♥

It's the last goodnight kiss & these moments I miss when you're gone

2008-12-18T23:08:00.000+08:00

You can say that you don't miss me, I think about you every day.

I did the presentation wrongly. I just finished redoing it. Pheww, thanks to Cicilian who told me about it else I'll make a fool out of myself tomorrow at class.

And Zel got posted to SJC. Hooray? Maybe.

While doing the essay last night, I found these..

There's more but these are the few that tickled my toes heh heh!

J came over in the morning to pass me the things she got me and the family from Taiwan! So sweet of her :) We had lunch at Compass Mac's. She sent me to meet Jemi, then walked us to school gate before she went off to take a bus home.

San sucks, I hate him.
Made us bring lappies for nothing. He went off before we all did!

And class politics. Well well well.. Never judge a book by its cover huh? I never expected something like that to come out from her. She seemed all nice, well-mannered & etc. God knows what she has been whispering to A, since she can actually say such things about L in front of D.

Left school at 4pm. Frikkin' tired. I went straight straight home. New Moon is good, very good. Twilight is good too. Very good!!

Folks are not working tomorrow, they are gonna bring Zel to school for orientation. And we're having lunch at hkcafe :) After class (and the horrible presentation), I will meet J & Yan for dinner. Hooray!

Tonight's talk didn't go too well.
Yan, where iz you :( Your assumptions all wrong already la ahaha!

It's more than a scar, it's a lifetime you left

2008-12-18T01:34:00.000+08:00

I had a extremely tiring day, yet again. I am on my 14th slide of my presentation. My neck is aching, my back bone is breaking, my eyes are tired & painful but before I go to sleep tonight, I wanna pen down these thoughts of mine that ran through my head today.

You, being in one of my favourite top, made me half-smiled to myself while reading New Moon.

I don't understand why I have to do that. It was pointless. And in addition, it was a chance given away. I really don't know why I did that. I ran so fast that I couldn't breathe but I didn't stop. I didn't halt to catch my breathe or even look back. I really wanted to talk to you, this I have to admit. Being with you, in a crowd or somewhere near would be good enough.. So exactly, why did I do what I did?.. I have no idea. I actually blew the chance away, thanks to me. At that moment, I thought I did the right thing. I was happy, thinking that..y'know I'd never get upset over this because this is what friends do, you left me alone all the time, this being not the first time so this was it. But come to think about it, I should've just not do what I did. But what's done is done, no?

So many questions I still have for you. I could talk to you forever, never sleeping, never leaving your side. I could see your face so clearly now… almost hear your voice. And, despite all the heartbreaks & hopelessness, I was hopelessly happy, smiling away. So involved was I in my daydreams, I lost all track of the seconds racing by.

I remember once you said, "What's the point of saying sorry when you've already done it?"
I am sorry, & I love you.
(Well, if the trick still works..)

P/s: pleaseplease get more sleep, you sure need it more than I do.
P/p/s: pleaseplease start being yourself, you're missed.
P/p/p/s: i have this gut feeling i won't see you tomorrow.

The way you make me feel will never leave my mind

2008-12-17T05:02:00.001+08:00

I know all the things that I've been putting up here are the things that you don't wanna hear, don't wish to know. I put it up here is not to gain sympathy from readers but to be reminded of my feelings, of why am I going through this. I'm telling you now that it was awkward for me. Ill at ease. Very difficult. Uncomfortable. I couldn't breathe right. I was fighting to breathe. I wished I could say something more than just chuckling & go 'Yeh, pathetic right?..' I don't know if I could look into the same pair of eyes ever again. I want to be able to. I want you to look at me in the eye.
I wish you knew I wish you knew I wish you knew I wish you knew I wish you knew
I WISH YOU KNEW

So I won't find it so hard to look into your eyes.
So I won't find it so hard to strike a conversation with you.
So I won't have to keep guessing what is on your mind.
So I won't have to avoid you, avoid crossing paths with you.
So I won't be reminded of you all the time, no matter where I am.
So I won't have to imagine your voice, trying to remember how your touch felt like.
So I won't have to go through the album of our photos everyday & think of you.
So I won't have to wonder so much, if you're doing good or are you not.
So I won't have to keep reminding myself that you've forgotten about me & I should do the same.
So I won't have to keep reminding myself I won't see me in your eyes anymore.
So I won't have to think of you whenever a song comes up.
So I won't speak of you so often to my friends.
So I won't miss you so much.

I am dying to know. Speak to me, please, I'm begging you..

One day when you come to me & play pretense, like you never went away & we keep on loving like before, I will gladly go with your plan. And when I say that I love you, I hope your reply to be, "Could you believe that, despite everything I've put you through, I love you, too?"

Yes, darling, yes.. I do. I always believe you.

Your heart is tired of feeling, your hand is letting go of mine

2008-12-16T23:29:00.001+08:00

Forgetting all the memories, try to forget love cause love's forgotten me.

I am really tired & I just got home from the funeral. I had a extremely long & draining day :(

I FINISHED READING TWILIGHT!!!!!!!!!! :D
Fast or what? I finished it within a week! I'm gonna buy New Moon tomorrow, cannot frikkin' wait.

So Jems & I skipped the first half of SBS tutorial.

To you: 'Late late late'? I guess we don't need that, especially it coming from you. Who are you to say that anyway? Do you have a problem with us being late, attention-seeker?

Jems was this close to going up to him & just ask him what his bloody problem was.

We were dismissed at 11.30am so we fooled around in class! Blast music, play games, talk cock, flash YouTube on the screen. Left the school at 12 with Mat, Marc, Jems, Ray to take bus down to AnchorPoint to have lunch! Yay Thai food Thai food Thai food!! Makes me haaaappyyyyyyyy

MARC LEE CHUN KIT I CANNOT FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME TODAY. NOT ONCE BUT A FEW TIMES!! >:( Buying drink, the attire, teasing me almost all the time. Make sure you die jialat jialat I tell you. Dunch care if X is going to come after me. AND NOT FORGETTING WE ACCOMPANIED YOU TO IKEA TO BUY THE LITTLE SOMETHING FOR X HOR! Haiyer piss me off ahhhhhh

Kz but luv u the same 'cos you make me happy by being yourself, all retarded & etc :) HAPPY TIMES! Your favourite phrase.

We went back to class, about half an hour late. Discussed a little about project, joked around a lot with Kavin (the bloody bitch who prank called me!) & spoke to Lulu the qt. When Shim came at 3pm, class was dismissed. It was still early so we went to the void deck t lepak. Rushed home at 5pm, changed into a plain top & dad drove me down to the funeral. Played the dslite, had dinner & aunts came. TER IZ BACKKKKKKK :) :) :) Clubbing king is back & more handsome than ever omg! He looks good all the time, I swear. Just that he is back, he is already planning to go clubbing, organising parties. Fast or what? Merl & I talked throughout the night. Dad got Godma Sue to drive us back home first as it was late & I still have school tomorrow.

Muttons to Midnight is on, and seriously killing me with the lame Christmas jokes. Did I mention that I am very happy to meet Shufen for lunch tomorrow? I will also drop by PageOne to get New Moon, and prolly Diva? Teeheehee I'm off to bed now, toodles :)

P/s: I have to admit it. I miss J. More than I ever thought I would. This is the first time we've not met in two weeks after knowing each other for almost two years. So there, mizz u j :)

I love you more than everything else in the world combined.

We were covered in love, or maybe the lack thereof

2008-12-16T02:59:00.001+08:00

Dear you,
To be honest, no it is not weird. So keep doing it, keep being yourself. I love it when I see your name on my screen. And no it is definitely not weird because this is how I used to feel way back. I hope you feel the same too. I hope you're not doing it for the sake of doing either. I hope you text me because you want to text me & not just anyone. My friends are siding you now, are you happy to know that? They hope to see you again, yknow.

And I want to spend this Christmas with you.
Is it that hard?

Love, G xoxo

-

Dear you,
My heart raced when I walked past you. Just like how it was like right from the beginning. I could feel your eyes on me. I don't know but do you want to talk to me? Do you have something to say? I feel like you do. My friends urged me to let us have a proper talk, face2face after all that I have heard & saw for myself. I know you feel like what is needed to be said has already been said & done but.. I don't know. Your words + actions, they contradict each other.

Please talk to me when you want to, I am always here.
(Ask me out I will gladly go out with you kthxbai)

Love, G xoxo

Love could be a great illusion that makes fools of brilliant thinkers everyday

2008-12-15T23:17:00.000+08:00

And all this time you had no one to tell you how to love.

School was crazy today. We were late for an hour odd. San made things difficult for Jems & I. Yeh yeh we probably deserved it I know. I was supposed to meet Shu Fen for lunch but 'cos everything was so unplanned so when I saw no reply from her at 7.30am in the morning, I went back to bed. Then I woke up again at 11.30am. Frikkin' late I tell you. So we postponed lunch to Thursday instead.

There's so much to do, yet so little time. Assignments are piling up :( and I'm stressing myself a lot a lot so I would start on my work. When I get stressed up, I either start eating a lot or don't eat at all & sleeping a lot or don't sleep at all. It is just horrible. Now I'm eating a lot & sleeping very little, tskkkk

It's an odd feeling really, sort of starts at the bottom, right in the pit of your stomach, then builds and hits you right when you least expect it, it gets stronger until your heart feels like its about to burst out of your chest. The realization that you never get a second chance hurts. It's brutal and its cuts cold.

I can't cry anymore. For now, I'll keep believing that things would be "perfect" once again.

Boo for 9am class tomorrow with MissAnnoyingVoice. I can't stand her, and her voice. It is just irritating okay. But yay for 2-hour short lunch break with my favourite girls + a little bitty of xmas shopping. Yay we're gonna have Thai food for lunchoes! And yay we're gonna go Ikea to shop shop shop. Actually, not shop. It's me, I need to get things. :)

After class tomorrow, I will rush home to get washed up & dressed. Then I'd have to rush down to the furneral. Come home effin' late at night to do up my dumb essay and presentation. Shizzzz I haven't even started!!!!!!

I realise I haven't put up self-shots in a long while hek hek hek I edited this with Zel's phone PhotoDJ. Ho ho ho cool or what I was bored la kz.

I can't go on with my essay anymore. Let me have three wishes prease.
1. Someone to finish all my assignments for me
2. You to keep messaging me
3. More wishes

OMG KAVINESH YOU WILL SO GET IT FROM ME TOMORROW FOR PRANK CALLING ME YOU BASTARD! Ok but i wuv u anywayz 'cos you made me luff so itz all good see you tmr bitch :) I is very buay tahan liaoz goodnightynight ^^

And I urge you to please notice when you are happy

2008-12-15T03:33:00.000+08:00

So Yan finally appeared online after being away from me for one week odd.
I told her about what has been happening, & we spoke of you. You acting weird lately, you not being yourself, you & what you said, you & your thoughts & emotions. Especially the I miss yous said - it brought me nothing but skipped a heart beat. She was happy to hear all of that, not forgetting the fact that she loved us being together, she always thought we were cute. She pasted what you wrote to me & I was shocked, honestly. I don't know what's the conclusion but what I said & what she showed me kinda link to each other? I don't know, & I don't wanna think so much. I've already walked out of this, I don't wanna go back to how I was like few months back. Not forgetting the fear I feel, especially with her around.

We then spoke of you.
The text messages sent, what I've been told, what I saw for myself. It is upsetting..it still is, for me. As much as I appear to look less affected than I really am deep down in front of everyone, it upsets me to know you are not a wee bit happy at all. I wish I could hug you tight, tell you I'm sorry for all of these though I am not to be blamed but still sorry that I left you alone, I wasn't there for you, I said hurtful things to you, I did mean things to tell you that I no longer care the same for you. In actual fact, I still do, & I will never stop caring for you. I will risk it all for you to prove it is true, if only you would let me. 

All the I love yous & I miss yous are said but not enough.

So much happened in a week. I feel like a changed person.
I've learned to enjoy being in my own company.
I've been a much stronger girl than before.

I've made you so happy and so sad but which should I be more sorry for?

2008-12-14T17:38:00.000+08:00

Omg I cannot believe what I was told.

How can it happened, how can it.. omg this is so fucking awkward.

I can't believe I am actually affected by this?

Hello glynis wake up your mind, not time to be affected by pea shit like this.

Wth but I am affected, means I still care righttttt?

k gotta go down t ze funeral.

bbl :)

Baby you can have whatever you like

2008-12-14T03:51:00.001+08:00

In my understanding it's when you truly care about a person & would put their priorities above your own, caring for that person, giving & showing them the affection they deserve.. But yet, love is blind & you can never really know what it means.. But that's what I believe it means & I can truly say I love you & mean it with all my heart.

I'm sorry but Edward reminds me so much of you I have to say. The way he is, what he talks about, what he do - it's you that I have in my mind. All the similarities that I can't stop thinking of. And I actually miss you. I can't believe I'm feeling this..

And I feel like a stalker. I recki so much about this eyecandy of ours. I must be crazy. We actually went googoogaga over him, drool over his photoshoots & etc. Time to snap myself back to reality.

"good night , i love you sweet heart"
I love you too bb ^^
♥

I love you madly, you really got a hold on me

2008-12-13T16:46:00.000+08:00

Hi, I got up at 3pm today & still feeling tired. Shopping got canceled so I canceled clubbing with Ferrari too. I want some peace on this Saturday afternoon/night. I have to go down to the funeral tonight. I shall do up a to-do list to remind myself what I have to get done by the end of today.

Shim & I are not over with the _. Still making fun of it, still laughing over it. When will we ever stop? Nah I don't think I want it to stop though. It's fun. Especially 'cos it is you we're talking about here, alongside with all these silent bombs we're dropping. So fuck your ever so randomness. It's not funny, I am fucking serious okay you typical female specimen of a canine breed.

I'm listening to Twilight's OST when I've yet to watch the show. The songs are by Paramore (!!) Hayley <3

Decoy - Paramore

To-dos:
x get friends' home address
x write the xmas cards
x do research for presentation
x make payment for my online purchases
x do up my christmas wishlist ^^
x jot down what to get for friends & family as xmas gift
x plan my schedule for next week - dinner with the two i met last night, april, yan & j
x complete the damn essays
x type out all messages in my phone
x send the dumb phone for repair
x think of a new url - i was thinking mylittledecoy.blogspot
x watch Gossip Girls, My New BFF, Cashmere Mafia
x plan movie dates - i really wanna watch movie :(
x plan how to spend xmas :) :)
x xmas shopping - must be done asap

and the list goes on when I think of it....

If I didn't love you, you would know

2008-12-13T04:23:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I forget to love you like I should but I'd never leave you.

No I never would, I never would.

♥

P/s: I want to be able to sleep well every night :(

You might think I'm incapable of loving a soul like yours

2008-12-13T01:41:00.001+08:00

I am very, very worried about you.
I hope you know what you are doing to yourself. I do not want history to repeat itself. It hurt, it sure did. I hope you remember how much it did so you would start being yourself again. Remember what you told me about working hard & the right to have dreams? Look at you, what are you doing to yourself now?

I still want the best for you, balloons or no balloons.
Especially after hearing what has been happening of recent. You're an opened book but I find you very difficult to read, sometimes. If I could, I would dig out your heart to be impressed by how much you've been hiding from all of us. Time to stop hiding. Aren't you tired of hiding? Let your true self out. Admit your emotions -- be vulnerable for just this once.
But don't you worry, I'm leaving you alone & it is for ever. I do not want to drive you further away than the distance we already have between us now. When you're comfortable enough to stay near, you know where to find me.

I want you to know I am still here whenever you need me..which roughly translated means I would rather die than stay away from you.

And I heard you laughing today. Not once, not twice but several times. Have I not say it frequent enough to you that I'm an addict of your laughter, a devotee of your smile?

Do me a favour: smile only when you truly mean it.
♥

Just know that I love you, but love's such a simile

2008-12-12T23:07:00.000+08:00

Dear, did you know that people love each other, just like we do, just like they do.

# is wondering if she is the one.
# is wondering if she is the one.
# is wondering if she is the one.
# is wondering if she is the one.
# is wondering if she is the one.

You gotta be kidding me. I am fucking fucking speechless. A week ago, you're like that. A week later, you're like this! Omg people change. Drastically, over time. Over the shortest period of time you can ever imagine, I am convinced, for goodness's sake!

School was fine. We were late, as usual. What's new? Jalaini is boring, I'm sorry. I really hate TDMC. Played the dslite, read Twilight. I want a Twiguy! Hahaha this is so random okayyyy. After class was dismissed, we met Shim at Queenstown. Took 195 to Ikea for lunch :) Swedish meatballs, yumyum! We bought cute plushies! We got two each, one for ourselves & one for _. Photos are with Jems, I have yet to take photos of them. Bloody lazy haha. I'll definitely upload some when I've gotten them..

We do the silliest thing all the time. Instead of going into class, 'cos we were late for almost an hour, we stayed outside until it was break time then we went in. Jemi was like "Naidu!! *points*" & we all started running into class. Fucking retarded but this is how we do :) And we think pretty boy thinks we're sick in the head, which is probably why he doesn't wanna strike a convo with us. Boohoo? Nah!

In the midst of the tutorial, Zel called & told me that great-grandma passed away. I was aghast. I did not know how to react. I tried to recollect the memoriesof her but only to find none at all. I only remember times at her place, how I would run far far away from her bigass kitty & all the chinese new year chacha we do. But honestly, it is not that I am mean or what, it is better for her that she is not in discomfort anymore, pretty much at peace I would say. Rest in peace, great-grandma ♥

I went home & had dinner almost immediately. After dinner, I was reading Twilight, then fell asleep unconciously for the next hour before we went out to Ikea for supper. Dad drove us there & we had yummy meatballs, wings & Daim cake :)

Guess who I bumped into!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I saw her backview, I was thinking if I'm in one of my dreams where thick smoke would arise & poof everything's gone when I open my eyes. For the next five minutes, my heart raced like a F1 racer on the tracks. I plunked the courage & walked up front to say hi. When she saw me & went "Glynis!!!!!" with her open arms, I knew right away I missed her a lot. A whole lot more than I thought I did. I also knew right away that my previous assumptions were all made wrongly. No she does not hate me for what I did or what happened. He was there, with his fugly new hairdo (omg prease i am serious when i say you look better with black hair ok do something about it you would look much younger!!), crook-smiling away as he always do. The familiar feeling I feel when I'm with them that I cannot forget. I wish it wouldn't vanish & it would stay longer. We caught up on each other's lives. I was shocked by myself when I said, "Omg I miss y'all so much la.." I totally didn't expect that to come out of me..'cos I really meant it, just never thought I'd actually let these words out. When she told me I was missed by everyone who loved, it felt really nice ^^ Heartwarming, in fact. It was gratifying to know they are both doing fine. They are still the same, cute & loving like an old couple. I told her how I've been thinking of her, how I wish we'd bump into each other or where should I go, where should I be so I'd bump into them. We then spoke of you. And me. And a little of us.

Before I left, I agreed that I'd catch them some time soon to talk more. Probably next Friday, I was planning. School is gonna be plain hell next week, I was reminded. Presentations to prepare, essays to complete & whatnot. Okay school alone is enough to upset me & I'm talking about something really happy right now...

And yes yes, thank youuuuuu for dragging her there ok else we won't bump into each other tonight! My night's a lot brighter & more stars are seen on the dark night sky after I saw you both. I couldn't stop smiling to myself :) And yeh I will heed your advise about weknowwhat, so not to worry! Thanks for telling me about wealsoknowwhat as well. Lovelove x infinity you both!!

On the way home, memories flashed right back to when we first met, how I got to know the two of them, the happier times together, the things we did together & etc. It was like a movie playing in my head. Right up til now, it is still playing. I can't seem to stop it but I could pause at my favourite parts to reminisce a little, be reminded of how happy I used to be when I was with them. And this is how happy I want to be every now & then. I don't know but I'm really happy I bumped into them :)

I tried to keep away from your perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, your beauty pierced me through with sadness.

I'm going to bed now, trying hard not to think about what just happened awhile ago. I am still very happy. Goodnight (:

P/s: Yan, call me when you can. You went MIA long enough for me to miss you :(

Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost

2008-12-12T02:55:00.000+08:00

Whenever I close my eyes to pray before I go to bed at night, you'll be in my prayers. I avoided you, I avoided singing to songs we used to sing to, I avoided places that we used to go, I avoided topics we used to talk about, I avoided things that make me think of you, I did everything I could to keep myself away from you & our memories but you are still in my prayers. As much as I wish you were near, you are driving further & further away from me.

Should I be thankful?

I am one step closing to clearing out the drawer of memories I had with you. Remember once I asked if you'd be happy seeing that I've moved on? You wouldn't answer me so I said I'd take your silence as a yes & you said no you didn't say that. I still took it as a yes.

This is what you wanted me to do, I am doing it for you.

There's no love like you & me and no loss like us apart

2008-12-11T23:35:00.000+08:00

You could write book on how to ruin someone's perfect day.

So we went xmas shopping today. Productive for they two but not for me. I went empty-handed & came back empty-handed. This sucks ok, unproductive shopping made me a really sad girl.

We finally met at 3pm. Lol @ Jemi's "Yay we're going out!" But yes, yay we finally went out together! We had lunch at Shaw Lido. Walked around Agnes B & walked over to Far East Plaza. We were drenched okay. Tsk tsk my hair is bad enough, the rain just have to make it worse.

Walked around, Shimmy got her little something for her special someone & we walked over to Paragon. Went into Gucci. We've decided that we will all get a bag together after CNY! :D This is a silent bomb, can you hear it?

After that, we went to Ben Sherman. %$&%&#!^%@^!!^#%$# If only.. If only.. IF ONLY..

Dream. On. Glynis.
You really need to drill this into your head.

Jemi got something for her someone special as well! We walked over to the train station after that. Went on our separate ways. BUT NO PHOTOS I AM HOU SAD :( Next week I will bring slr when we go shopping okay I dunch care if we need to skip classes but I really have to get my presents before 25th comes!!

Love you threesome babies <3
Especially when it came to * & our one million and one issues. I am so glad you guys helped me with the present, whether or not I should get the Harley Davidson _. Not forgetting #'s Agnes B _! I love it when you guys went "seriously, # is much much more worthy that * is. why spend a few hundred on * & guess what, later on * go 'thanks but stop what you're doing', drop another bomb on you. don't let * do that to you la ok" =) But of course if I can, I will still go with what's in the plans.. Heh but no la ok I will listen to your advises!!

Met Sass at Compass Point. She came over to my place to have dinner & lepak!

Phew, I finally let down this hugeass burden of mine. The bedroom secrets - that only three, now four people know about - I finally told Sass. I've been trying to think how should I put it across to her & I finally did. Bedroom secrets are private but not when it comes to Sass & the rest of the girls I am close to. I am so glad the other time Qiaos brought the topic up & it leads to where we are right now.

-
M: Eh..for * ah?
G: No!?!!!

It still tickles when I think of it.

Bye bye beautiful, I'm not gonna wait for your call. I am damn tired la okay. I am going to turn in now, goodnight xoxo

Whatever you need, I pray that you find it with your arms wrapped around me.

I miss the lips that made me fly

2008-12-11T02:36:00.000+08:00

The call felt awfully weird. Very strange, indeed.
Something that I never thought would happen.

Well, expect the unexpected?

And the reason behind it?
I don't know.
I assumed it's the more positive one, just so I won't feel so upset.

Looking back at all that I've said & what I've been feeling of recent, I'm glad I'm here right now. Not upset. Not over-analyzing the dream that you were in. Not planning on a cry-myself-to-sleep night. Not thinking so much of you that unknowingly I feel hot tears on my cheeks.

I hope slowly, as time goes by, the need for you to be here would slowly go away, alongside with your lingering presence & your touch, and the urge to kiss you. I definitely want the latter to go away first. No warning letter issued beforehand, I might just do that & I do not want that to happen no wayyyyyyyyy. You're not who I think you are anymore so sheesh the urge should go away.

P/s: But not if you're feeling the same ^^
P/p/s: Oh well, you might like to say 'Dream on'.

Love is such a flexible term, you never really know what it means

2008-12-10T23:06:00.005+08:00

I am filled with you. Skin, blood, bone, brain, & soul.

Whoohoo there is no class tomorrow!! Yay I'm so happy 'cos we've decided to go Christmas shopping after school & class is cancelled yay yay yay! Something to add on to the happy list (:

Debate today was fabbbbbulous. Not that I am siding my own class but I think the guys did really well. Point proven! Gilbert & one of the speakers from dmcd2 almost fought. It was like a one-on-one, audience attacking the speakers. Gilbert shoot up for us & argued with her. The whole class was cheering & all that 'cos they look as though they were about to fight I swear!!!! It was damn exciting not because it's a fight but because................. :) But Naidu stopped them so bleahhhhh

The whole school is infested with bees. What the hell. Especially the trash bin areas! Marc kept disturbing us on the way to the canteen & the way back to the classroom. I swear it's all his fault we were so paranoid ok! We kept ducking when he did all that actions when actually, there is nothing flying around him at all. He just started laughing after seeing us being all retarded.

Dad came to pick me again today & it was just us both so we talked. I told him where we usually have lunch & all that. Even he agrees that this area don't have much places with good food we can choose from. I guess I got the whole appreciating good food genes from him. Then we talked about cars, houses (we always come to this topic whenever we're alone in the car) & money. Then, about life.

Dad: Eh.. be contented ah.
G: Ahhh yeh talk about being contented, I really should feel that way. I have a place to live in, new stuff to use, to wear. I don't have to worry if there's food tomorrow.
Dad: Tv programs showed you a lot. See how others have suffered, and some still suffering. That's why I always tell you girls to be contented. Have I not?
G: Mmhmmm I need to remind myself constantly about that, really.. And stop comparing others.
Dad: I am contented, yknow with all that I have right now. A car, a stable job, a flat I call my own, my family, you girls. I am very contented. Why compare? Compare only make you feel bad & terrible.
G: But daddy yknow sometimes it's so hard not to compare. C'mon look at my friends!! Condo, semi-d, bungalow, owns two cars, their own family business..
Dad: Girl, why compare? Her dad's rich, can afford but I'm sorry your dad is poor. What for compare? My customer is rich also, the one staying here (points to the semi-d). He is his own boss & he earns a lot. Why can't I be like him? (went out of the car to run some errands)
Dad: (came back and..) See, why others ride motorbike? Why don't buy car?
G: Cos cheap ma.
Dad: Because they cannot afford a car. Yeh some wanna save cost. Why others drive van, or trucks?
G: Cos of work lor.
Dad: I also can what. But I'm driving a car now. I have a flat. A happy family. A stable job. I am very contented, girl.
G: I should be, too..

Makes a lot of sense to me, all of a sudden. I should be contented.

When I got home... MY $50 WORTH OF RINGS PACKAGE HAS FINALLY REACHED ME YAY!!!!!!!!!

So. Damn. Happy.

It was supposed to be here last week but it's okay. As long as it is here yay! I think I'm gonna wear them tomorrow. Not all but one probably :)

In the course of a month, not boasting but I've never experienced this or never expected this, I have about 7 people asking for my number. Is it luck or is it 'cos of the glow on me recently? But this definitely boost my confidence. Let's just take it that I've been glowing more than usual & that beauty products I used these few days is worth the money so I've grown prettier by this bit overnight. Whoa confidence level 89%!

At least a few things to feel happy about today :D
No, not the dream, it felt weird having the same storyline playing in a different setting though it felt right with you stranger. No not you being here, by my side now - in fact I think I don't need you anymore.

Kz I promise some pictures tomorrow, g'night everyone I'm gonna go call the sexy one now whoohoo!

2008-12-10T18:56:00.000+08:00

Now that you're here, I should be happy but why am I not feeling it at all?

Have I really let you go or, is this temporary?

Right where you are, are you missing me?

Right where you are, are you thinking of me?

Right where you are, are you hoping to see my name on your screen?

Going out for awhile, bbl xx
♥

2008-12-10T11:55:00.000+08:00

You won't cry for my absence I know. You forgot me long ago.I don't get you, I can't forget what you've forgotten. - k schoolz update l8r p/s: can't wait to watch the pretty boy p/p/s: dear stranger, i had the longest dream about you & i last night. the feeling was so right, so familiar. is it you, stranger?

Letting go shouldn't be so hard but loving you tore me apart

2008-12-09T22:18:00.000+08:00

What will you remember, what will you think of me after I say goodbye?

School was hella tiring today, 9am - 4pm :( And all's Mr San's lessons. Omg he's so damn boring I cannot take it! And my head is spinning while I'm typing this, I'm so problematic seriously.

We got to class @ 9.30am. Jems was sick, Shim only came during lunch time so I spent the entire time talking to Shirlynn, the new classmate. I forget what's his name, that guy's funny. Shirlynn & I were talking, & he just joined our conversation. We were talking about driving, cars, petrol & money.

Lunch was fun. I talked so much, I couldn't breathe. Shim is love, I love her a bit more everyday. And she said that I look cute today in my geeky specs heh heh heh and we suspect that it's because we look too good everyday that's why Mr San is attacking us all the time today. He kept asking us to answer his questions!!! >:@ I mean, I'm okay with it but wth why is it always us!

After class, daddykinz, being a real sweetheart, he came to pick me with mummykinz & we went to the clinic to get medicine together. I was talking to mummykinz about _ & all that happened during the six days without them around. I'm so glad my maid went to tell mummykinz that I was really good & didn't go out too late every night heh heh actually I did but anywayz I admitted to mummy! I told her I stayed out 'til 3am & she freaked out, & shot me with the why did you do that! look.

We still speak less than 5 sentences everyday.
But today was exceptional, for some reasons. He talked to me about my health problems, asked me about my gastric problems & told me about their Beijing trip. I really hope his rashes would go away soon it's making him feel horrible inside I can tell!

And he's so sweet! I told Zel I'm damn happy that daddy actually came to pick me when he said to me before class started in July that he'd never come by Queenstown so he won't be able to send me to school or pick me up to go home. So Zel told him during dinner & he's like, "I'm off today what.. What time class ends tomorrow? 5pm? Text me, I'll come pick you up" :D Awh love you dadso.

These are the four items they got me from Beijing!!

The bag costs about $50. The fedora's $14, both the stamps costs about $20 each. Mom said like this time they came back with a lot of money unlike when in Bangkok, we came back with empty pockets.

Thank God for afternoon classes. Tomorrow's TPSW (!!) with Naidu & there's a debate between dmcd1 & dmcd2! I'm gonna watch the pretty boy. Talking about the pretty boy! We did something so funny/embarrassing/stupid today & he probably thinks we're retarded seriously. I hope he doesn't think that way k we're nice!

I hope mummy get me my hard disk real soon, the lappie's only left with 8GB memory :(
K project discussion with Jems on MSN, off to talk to Javier & April! I will turn in after that, I'm so tired! G'night <3

I wish that you were near, it's better when you're here

2008-12-09T02:00:00.001+08:00

Hooray guess what mummy came home with!

Fedora, fringe bag & two name stamps :D

Dad: We'll go Beijing again next year

G: NO WAY please count me out ok no no no

(laughter)

Dad: Are you happy?

G: Yesssss *wide grins* of course

For one, they are back. Safely. Other than the fact that they are both scratching like hell due to the dry weather in Beijing that caused them to have rashes all over their bodies. For two, I got the two things I wanted!! And both in brown hehehe! Thanks mummy you're one in a million *hugs & kisses*

Mom: Oi got school tomorrow right? Aiyo you better go to bed! I almost forgot about it

(She came into the room again..)

Mom: Eh sleep hor, tomorrow got morning class right? Go to bed please, log off in awhile ah

G: Okay, goodnight mummy

(Closes the door behind her)

Zel: She like, miss us like that hor?

G: Duh, obvious right? I mean, who wouldn't?

You're so cute mom & I love you, I'm so glad you're home.

Dad went to shower, he came out & show us his purchase. All the watches & shoes, haha he's so funny. He displayed them on the coffee table & went like, "See see! My new watch!" Haha miss you la dad he sat on the sofa & hugged Zel, I thought it was so cute though I wished he'd hold me instead.... But honestly I know why he would do that to Zel but not me so it's fine. Luv him anywayz

I'm sad that Che is home now. No one to watch lame MVP until wee hours & that act cute Rainie Yang show with, no more trying to stay up 'til 7am for Mac's breakfast, no more late night Starbucks, no more butterfly prawns & corn soup & clam chowder. And also sad that Gran is going home soon :( :( I hope she stays I really hope she does. I want her to stay with us forever and ever & never return to that monster's house. Ahh am also sad that no more staying up 'til 5am in the morning just talking nonsense, no more blastin' r&b songs like we're clubbing at home with all light sticks on, no more showering at wee hours, no more showering 5x a day ('cos mom h8s it when I do that, gotta control myself), no more caramel frappe at least once a day, no more running around the house like idiotz at 3am, no more rolling on mama's bad without worrying that I will get scolded & the list could go on & on & on.....

BUT YES!!!!! Time for me to switch my body clock back to norm!!! I'm fucking happy about that ok I can't stand my limited edition only available in Singapore Gucci eye bags anymore. I don't care how much they cost but fuck it they make me ugly!!! :(

Two more days before J is home sweet home!

Time flies when you're having fun, no?

Ok goodnight my eyes are closing & class @ 9am tomorrow!
Constant reminder: Stranger stranger stranger x

There wasn't anything overly amazing about you, just something I couldn't resist.

I love all your sounds, & baby the way you make my world go round

2008-12-08T22:40:00.004+08:00

I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue, I'm sorry about all things I said to you.

I was supposed to meet up with Shijing but.. :( I was feeling worst than ever even after sleeping. Throwing up is never fun, I swear. I do not understand why people would dig their mouths just so they throw up. Ewww I hate it. And I hate that I miss the meeting with her!!! I've been all hyped up for it 'cos I have a lot to share with her, dammit :( Sick at the wrong time!!

So I stayed in all day instead.
I was really tired, slept all the way til 1pm.

I finally got it & the beginning is quite boring :(

Cannot wait to wear the shirt, it looks comfy!

Zel went out. Che stayed until after dinner. So we watched MVP until around 4pm then we went on and on talking about what we should have for dinner, or where should we go for dinner. In the end, the conclusion came & we decided to have KFC & Pizza Hut.

So my maid went to buy & we ate while watching telly. Yummy I tell you! If it weren't for my gastric, I would have had more! But thank God for the gastric else I'd eat more & put on more weight!

Did I mention that Yan came over that day & she couldn't stop looking at the photos of me few years back? How fat and chubby I was, and how much I've changed. From the ugly no make up me, to the eyeliner + mascara me. I've changed so much. I lost about 15kg within a year. Whoa..

She said, "So J saw you through all these times?" I replied yeh, she did.
That made me think a lot. Right back to when we first got to know each other, to the first date, to the first movie, to the first dinner, to the first argument, to the first anniversary, how we both changed in many many ways. We watched each other grow up over the past two years. Amazing, or what? It sure is, to me.

And she's coming home really soon :)
I wonder what she has gotten for me, what she saw in Taiwan, what photos taken, what stories does she have got to share with me. I wonder if she's doing fine there. I wonder if she's looking forward to come home. I wonder if she likes it better in Taiwan or in Sg. I wonder a lot so pardon me.

Like how the wrong person came at the wrong time. But this time it was different. You came. The right person came at the wrong time. Why. This was perfect for you & I. But at the wrong time. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the phone calls, the texts, the IMs & needing you. I'm holding on but letting go of you.

How much of you & me do you still see?

I'm questioning the reason why nothing beautiful does last

2008-12-08T02:56:00.001+08:00

I've been trying to throw up for the past few hours & nothing is out yet. I am dying, please leave me here to die. It is not the first time already. The nausea feeling has been here for two weeks but today is the worst. I'm stuck with this feeling for the 5th hour & I've been running to the bathroom, hugging the toilet bowl & keep trying to throw up. I hate this feeling :( It is so horrible.

If it weren't for this, I'd be seen at Zouk's Ready Set Glow or @Play now. =(

Tonight, I got home at 11pm with two Levi's tshirt, the book Twilight (finally), few boxes of Christmas cards & about a hundred bucks poorer. Am still not contented. When mom gets home, I will drag her to Cotton On, F21, Topshop, Zara. I've set my eyes on a few items, heh heh. I can't wait to see what mom got me from the trip! I hope there's fedora, fringe bag (!!), pretty leggings, cute dresses, heels, sneakers & sandals!

Timo's on the phone, it's been long since I last spoke to him hoho. He offered to make breakfast for me tmr & come over some time next week to accompany me! Sweet ;)

I'm gonna try to throw up & turn in for the night, super tired!

P/s: Send me your mailing add, I am going to send out the Christmas cards soon yay!

Lovely conjunctions & phrases, plays on a few words that you never meant

2008-12-07T15:44:00.001+08:00

Love is a dress that you made long to hide your knees.

I don't know what have I done or said to make you feel like I still have hope for us in me but no, I do not. I'm losing hope every single day. With or without you here. Nothing you've done that make me have a little hope or faith at all, and it's true.. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I do not believe you or have trust in what you said but I really have zero hope in us & in you right now. It is something good, isn't it? I'm sure.. At least you don't feel so bad for all that has happened. Your bluntness & coldness towards me is just telling me how you've moved on so fine without me & I should be doing the same. Since you've already let it go, I should too.

I will treat you like a friend, close to a familiar stranger that I've met in my fairytale dream.
Don't forget, I am doing all of these not for myself but for you. Because that's what you want me to do, no? Whether we stay as friends or enemies does not lie in my hands but yours, my dear. Whether we be more than friends or less than that, the decision still lies in you. I am disposable & at your disposal. I'm sorry if I'm reminded of you much too often at one time. As much as I do not want it to, I just..can't help it. I'm sorry I made you my everything & my what's happening. I'm sorry, I love you so much.

And it is always much easier said than done.

Today marks one month since I stepped out of all of these. I must seek closure today, over this issue of ours. It's been bugging me for long enough..

:(

Clubbing or not clubbing or not clubbing or not clubbing or not?
Be back to update more l8r <3

Revenge is sweeter than you ever were

2008-12-07T03:32:00.000+08:00

Short update!

Thursday: You are a fucking disappointment, I swear. Stop whatever that you're doing, it hurts a lot if you're wondering. And thanks for all that cold treatment. I'm sure I needed that. School was alright. Marc was damn funny haha spent the entire time in class talking cock with him, Jemi & Zoe.

Friday: Yan crashed my place & we had a lot of fun bitching. She spent hell lot of time trying to comfort me :/ Over my stupid nonsense. Because of you la who else can it be :( We got really tired & she left my place at 5am.

Saturday: Woke up at 4pm. Did a little bit of my assignments. Went out at 9pm to meet Merl. Spent about few hours at Starbucks. But some ahbeng came to create trouble so we left. Supposed to club but in the end we spent the entire time talking while walking from Dhoby Ghaut to Zouk. Cabbed back home from there & got home at around 2am. Her advices made a lot of sense to me & I don't know if this is what I really wanted or, do I just listen 'cos it makes sense? Whatevs

Sunday: Should I still go clubbing, I am damn tired but I wanna get things (like, you?) off my mind :(

Fucking fucking drained & I am still thinking of you.

But being alone wasn't half as bad as being obsessed with a breath taker, a smile faker

2008-12-03T23:45:00.000+08:00

I used to know you like the back of my hand until today you held your place. Now you're shifting like the sand. Your chest would heave with pride if I were spoken of. Til tonight, I never knew the difference between comfort & love. Although you're sleeping right next to me, well, it feels like you are wide awake in a distant dream leading a life that is finally free of these endless nights & countless fights that turn us into who we hate to be. This is so difficult for the both of us. I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us. Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game. All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing - nothing will ever be the same. I used to hold you like it's all that I had. Now begins the falling out, we are like a passing fad. Your mouth would crack a smile if I were spoken of, til tonight you never thought you'd lose this epic battle with love. For what it's worth, I've always admired you, I always thought that we could make it through. Now look what time can do, it took our masterpiece we built & broke it in two.
I always believed in you.
I always loved you.

Now mom & dad are away, so is J. Che, Zel, Gran, my maid & myself is home. Doesn't feel like home yet all. I miss the naggings, suddenly. Like no one would ask me to go have dinner, no one would nag at me to go bathe & wash off my make up, no one would ask how was my day in school, no one would tell me how enocomy is facing a downfall & we shouldn't spend too much.

Oh well, I should treasure the peace I'm having now, no?

School was fun with Kevin around :) I swear he's fucking funny & I'm starting to like him bit by bit. He makes me laugh & forget all the reasons why I'm sighing so much today. Thanks Kevin! And you better learn to keep your mouth shut, I am so serious about this. I will start blackmailing you if you do what you're not supposed to be doing!! Trust is a major issue & I believe staying in this cruel world for more than twenty-two years sure have taught you that, no? ;) Love la love la k stop being =( over WeAllKnowWho!

I'm waiting for the clock to strike twelve & hear my heart break all over again. Why do I love you so much, why do I love you to the extend that I can give up the most precious thing in my life? Why do I think of you ever so often that you're imprinted in my mind & it seems like you're never gonna go away at all? Why do I love you more than you love me? Why when someone is in love, they don't care what they do as long as the one they love stays by their side & that is all that ever matters to them? Why can't you make someone love you as hard as the way you love them? Why can't you just take this chance to love me now when you still have the chance to?

Constant reminder: 15 more minutes & I am not going to cry.

To me, you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny

2008-12-03T00:03:00.001+08:00

Suddenly, I knew what I had to do.

Love isn't about little words.

Love is about grand gestures.

Love is about airplanes, pulling banners over stadiums, proposals on jumbo-trons, & giant words in sky writing.

Love is about going that extra mile, even if it hurts, letting it all hang out there.

Love is about finding courage inside of you that you didn't even know was there.

I love you.

Please stop making me cry..

Am I a part of the cure or am I part of the disease?

2008-12-02T23:11:00.000+08:00

You know you're in love when you can say anything to the person & you know they won't laugh at you. When you can see their face when you close your eyes. When you can still feel their arms around you holding you tight long after they are gone. When you can still taste their kiss after you have said goodbye. You can tell you're in love when you miss them before they are gone. When their voice lingers in your ears. When their presence eases any pain. When their name sends chills down your spine. When they are the only thing you can think about. You know you are in love when you can see all their hopes & dreams & their soul when you look into their eyes. When they call you at four in the morning, "I love you" & mean it. When your tears stain not only their shirt, but also their heart. When they are hurt just because of these tears. When even a simple chore done with them can become a lasting memory. Ultimately, you know you are in love when you can't imagine living without them, & can't figure how did you live before you knew them. When they fulfill every need & without them you are incomplete.
The love of someone else completes the heart, & sound & mind all at once.

---

Have fun J, your well-deserved break is finally here. Set yourself free, allow no disturbance but always remember that someone loves you & never forget the route that leads you back home. Be home soon =)

Mom, Dad, have fun. I know without me to say you guys are definitely going to have fun. First trip without us, why not? Remember to bring back the goodies I told you to ok! Don't forget about what I asked you to buy. Heh heh thanks for the money! And don't you worry about us, I promise we'll be more than just fine. Love you both :)

Tomorrow when I wake, J would be on the plane. Mom & dad would be at work. By 3pm, they'd be on the plane. At night when I get home, three people who played a big part in my life are gone. I can't believe it but I have to accept it. J is gone for eight days, while mom & dad will be back two days before she does. But I'll be just fine. April's coming over on Thursday. Friday, Saturday & hopefully Sunday, I have Yan & M to entertain. They are staying over I think. Yan will make everything good again, just like how _ used to. So alike that sometimes I get so fucking scared history repeats itself. I don't know..

I'm turning in. There's class early tomorrow & tomorrow's a full day. G'night.. Pray hard I do not cry myself to sleep again tonight.

And I love you.
Please be reminded of me all the time.

Unless you aim for my heart, you'll always miss

2008-12-01T22:01:00.001+08:00

Love is how it's lost, not how it's found.

School was dreadful. It was horrible because I-know-what. Yeh, right when I needed you, you're not here. Sigh.

My horoscope needs to stop being the story of my day, seriously.

Your Horoscope Today : 1 Dec 2008

Don`t give up if things don`t go your way today; just try again. You may face some hurdles but optimism and persistence will the most important tools for you today. A positive outlook to life is required most at this time. You will surely be able to overcome any obstacles through your keen intelligence and your force of will.

I'm not having the best nights tonight. With our song playing on repeat in iTunes, tears falling like rain, used tissues almost everywhere, fighting against myself.
And tonight I will weep, cry myself to sleep & pray to God for better days & a remedy to get someone out of my system in the fastest way possible.

"I have this theory that the more important & intimate the emotion, the fewer words are required to express it. For instance, in dating. 'Will you go out with me?' Six words. 'I think I care for you.' Five words. 'You matter to me.' Four words. 'I love you.' Three words. 'Marry me.' Two words. So what's left? What's the one most important & intimate word you can ever say to somebody? It's 'goodbye.'"
(By J. Michael Straczynski.)

It's almost three months & I'm still crying, still bawling, still loving you, still wanting you, still needing you. Why? It's about time I stop, no?

I want to forget you so bad just so I can be happy again. But I don't want to forget. I don't want to lose what I feel for you. I don't want what we feel for each other to go away. I know, I know you feel it too. Look me right in my eyes & tell me that you don't feel the same. Else, I'd say we still belong together. I don't want to lose what I have in plans for you, for me, for us. I don't want my feelings for you to ever go away. I want them to stay because I know these feelings for you are special & emotions I spill for you are special too because they are for you. Because you're my first to almost everything, that makes you absolutely much more special than anything else to me in the world. Do you realise? You don't. When will you ever realise? What is taking you so long to pick me up?

And if you ask me, I'd choose to walk this path & go through all of these again for you. All over again, right from the very happy beginning for you. Only for you & no one else.

Don't make me wait too long dear. When you are done, remember I will be right here waiting for you to come pick me up.. ok?

2008-12-01T12:02:00.000+08:00

How funny when you're there missing her, and I'm here missing you.

And you'll only look for me when you need/want something. Now I'm 'disposable as you like, at your disposal', no?

Don't make me hate you, really.
That's the last thing I wanna do.
Putting you at the back of my mind is hard enough.

k schoolz update l8r ^^

I love you, endlessly

2008-11-30T23:28:00.001+08:00

♥

I love you means that I accept you for the person you are, & that I do not wish to change you into someone else. It means that I will love you when you're in a bad mood or when you're too tired to do things I want to do. It means loving you when you're down, not just when you're fun to be with. I love you means that I know your deepest secrets & don't judge you for them, asking in return only that you don’t judge me for mine. It means that I care enough to fight for what we have & that I love you enough to not let go. It means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting & needing you constantly & hoping that you feel the same way.

I was wondering if I missed you. I questioned myself & I do, I really really do. Although we're apart for awhile, I still miss you. I don't like it but I'm slowly getting used to being without you.

Of course I miss you, it's all I do.

But I've been thinking of you; I've got these far away blues

2008-11-30T15:58:00.000+08:00

Loving is fine if you have plenty of time for walking on stilts at the edge of your mind.

I slept til 1pm unknowingly, woke up feeling like I had a hungover. Whoa and guess what? When I walked out of the room, aunts and cousins were all here. Embarrassing embarrassing embarrassing. In my pjs & out of bed hair.

Met J at Far East Plaza. We went to eat chicken rice at my favourite place before walking around. After shopping around, we walked over to Paragon, then to Taka then to Wisma. Sat around at Starbucks to waste time...

She looks bloody unhappy I tell you

J: "Joanna say when I smile like that I look like a very successful person with a lot of kids, good career and all that."

Yes J, you sure do with that amount of space in between your teeth when you smile.
Joke joke, sister :)

We took a cab down to Fort Canning Park. When I got there, then I realised that we could actually walk from SMU -.- waste money cabbing..

Great weather. It was like night picnic setting. Except that we forgot to turn on picnic mode on ourselves, no mat no picnic baskets no chips no fruits no salad no drinks. Sad. Damn fucking sad.

Jack & Rai!

Electrico!

Hossan Leong!

Dim Sum Dollies!

Hady Mirza!

Stefanie Sun!

People are either there for Hady or Stefanie Sun. When Hady's done with singing, you see people leaving. And all the crazy Stefanie fanz dashhhhh to the front.

J & I were damn hungry. We had dinner a tad too early. We keep seeing people with Mac's or Subway!! It was so frustrating. Called Yan & met them all at Centrepoint for Mac's :D Her friend's damn funny la. Girl girl was there too ^^ J said she's preggy -.- She's probably just bloated from eating too much.

Stayed until about 12mn & took a cab back :)

Alrighty I'm going to go join my cousins now. More tonight, probably? Toodles!

It's funny how you can love someone, but no power in the world can make them love you back.

2008-11-30T02:10:00.000+08:00

Just reached home.

Physically drained.

Concert was good, only the part when Hossan Leong, Dim Sum Dollies & Stefanie Sun was on stage.

Supper was better food with better company.

Cabbed back from Centrepoint, J took the same cab back to her place.

Cab fare sums up to $40, cheap much?

I was expecting more.
Cousins are dropping by tomorrow, hooray I can finally sleep in.
I've got MC for Monday.

Sometimes I wonder to myself why, why am I doing all these for? I don't deny I have the urge to hold you close when we're THIS close but I know if I did, you'd push me as far as you can. And I don't want you to do that. Being THIS close but not able to hold you was tough enough. I can tell you, with assurance, if I were to tell this to anyone at all, they'd say I deserve it. Whether they know the story behind it or not, I still deserve this cold as winter treatment I'm getting from you. Well, despite the things I've been doing.. It's as though like when I fall on my knees in front of me, you're just gonna stop & stare, not bothering to stretch out your arms even to help me up, or to ask if I'm okay.

But then again, I guess I really deserve all of these.
For not being good enough, for not being the kind of person you want me to be.
I'm sorry I'm not perfect.

Remember they say when this relationship is bad, the next one will be better? I'm looking forward to see how much better can the next relationship be since this one is bad enough.

The medication is sinking in, I'm feeling drowsy..
Goodnight <3

Under the weather?

2008-11-28T21:00:00.000+08:00

Fever running on 39.7 degrees

Head spinning like the Wheel of Fortune

Nose blocked

Body hot like I just came out of sauna

I feel like I'm going to drop dead soon.

Superman, where are you?
Save me.

I will leave the light on, I'll never give up on you

2008-11-27T22:47:00.003+08:00

I know I won't find what I'm looking for until life leaves me stranded at your front door.

Ahhh I don't know. I'm not in any mood to blog, I have nothing to say :/ My head is really heavy & the fever isn't recovering at all. I drank the herbal tea that I got for you. It's..really horrible but I'm starting to like it heh heh

Class was boring today. I can't imagine that I actually didn't bring my book to class. Omg hate myself so much seriously!! I hate to go class without my book ugh.

After class today we went to have lunch at Long John Silver despite the fact that I was a;ready coughing away hahah. We sat there 'til about 2.30pm before we went off on our own separate ways. I wanted to head home 'cos when I got up my seat, my head was spinning like hell. But mom needed me to go down to aunt's saloon to pass her cash as the ATM at that area is faulty. I ended up doing my hair. Treatment + dye + highlight :D Happy with my ew hair, absolutely!

I tried talking, just whispered, "...so sorry...so selfish.." He stopped me and said, "Child I love you regardless & there is nothing you could do that would ever change this. I'm not angry. It happens. But you just can't do it again." And so now I try to keep up, I’ve been exchanging my currency. While a million objects pass through my periphery. Now I’m rubbing my eyes cause they’re starting to bother me. I’ve been staring too long at the screen. But where was it when I first heard that sweet sound of humility? It came to my ears in the goddamn loveliest melody. How grateful I was then to be part of the mystery,

to love and to be loved.

Let's just hope that is enough.

Hm, after we're done, dad came to pick us & we headed home for dinner. Effin' drowsy now :(

I don't expect you to run into my arms. I don't expect you to forget about everything between us. I don't expect you to want this at the exact moment it do. But I want you to know, that when you're ready, I am too. Because you honestly mean that much to me.

In the morning I was thinking to myself, "I can feel my body breaking down.." & now here I am, coughing like hell, my body so feverish & a running nose. What a right time to fall sick. There's no class tmr & I'm sick. What the fuck man.. I was planning to meet Yan :( :( Fever running at 38 deg. I hope it subsides tomorrow so I can meet Yan to do some shopping & dinner (:

No matter how many coins you throw in a fountain or the number of fingers you cross. If it's not meant to be, it won't happen.

I'm a coward, not a fighter, disguised as a lover

2008-11-26T23:31:00.002+08:00

Were you honest when you said: I could never leave your bed, wake me up & let me know you're alive, & will you fall in love again?

Finally, things are getting slightly better. And it's true when I say I am happy, I can feel it inside of me. I'm so glad :)

Marc & Mat gave school a miss so the five of us sat together in class. It was SBS & it's hella boring :( We've to form our own groups for the project. The amount of project and assignments are stressing me a lot. I should start early so I can really enjoy my Christmas with the girls :)

After school, we went lunch together at Tiong Bahru Plaza! We had KFC & I didn't even finish half my meal. We had a long talk about boyfriends/girlfriends & happier/unhappier past. So the tension level was kind of high :/ And we realised that all of us cried before in front of each other. Haha lame but still! Least we know we're comfy with each other, riiiight? (:

Oh so that's the way it is, you let me go like you don't owe me a thing. Well I can handle this, I've been through it all before. And you'll get yours. But you can't tell someone that you'll be there & then walk away like you don't care. Now I'm not saying this cause I'm mad. I just want you to understand. One day, it's gonna catch up with you. Baby I thought you knew when you do somebody wrong, before too long it's gonna get done to you. And you might think you got away with playing me for a fool. You must be sitting on top of the world feeling like you're finally free. And you'll wish you never did me wrong. You can't tell someone that you'll be there and then walk away like you don't care.

Stayed there until about 4pm. Took train down to AMK to meet mom. We had a long talk about we-all-know-who :/ I feel so bad upsetting her. I really hate Zel for letting the cat out of the bag. I cannot fucking trust my own fucking sister. I just don't wanna let mom know 'cos she's worried enough about Zel & her nonsense, now me. I'm old enough to deal with my own shit. Tsk stop worrying mom, seriously. But whatever mom said to me made sense...

Picked Zel from tuition. Dad came to pick us & we went home for dinner. I watched telly all the way until around 12mn. Talked to Yan on MSN & went to bed after that. Yay for the last day of school for the week tmr! We're gonna have lunch together again :D

You said move on.

Where do I go?

It hasn't been my day for a couple years, what's a couple more?

2008-11-25T23:40:00.000+08:00

Call it predictable, yesterday my dream was of you.

School was really fucked up today. For one, presentation undone. For two, when we got to class, Jemi & I were like, "Oh so this was it?" We didn't know anything. We got the dates/assignments mixed up. :(

Not forgetting that the argument/small unhappiness we had was fucking unnecessary. Don't you think? I guess either one of us got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. And I'm quite sure it was me.

The greatest irony of love: Loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life. And sometimes, you think you're already over a person but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be ours again. For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person. Some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else. Most relationships tend to fall not because the absence of love - love is always present. It's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little. As we all know the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right. Most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them, we are just for past times, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger. So here's a piece of advice: Let go when you're hurting too much. Give up when love isn't enough, & move on when things are not like before. For sure, there is someone out there who will love you even more.

When I got home, I went online & you just have to make me feel worse than ever. Thank you. I've never felt better. Thank you so much. Can never thank you enough. I suppose the amount of misery I am in now isn't sufficient enough for you. You just have to prolong it. First, my wonderwall with that badly cropped photo. Second? The guardian angel with that ever so sweet photo.

Thank you so fucking much.
_l_

After dinner, we went to Aunt's place by train & dad drove Allan's car out to the airport with all of us, Sally & Rhys. We went to T1 (ohamgee I hate it) & we had Popeye's for supper. Stayed until about 11pm & we cabbed back. I was dozing off. Damn fucking sleepy & tired luh.

Ok fine, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry about today. I have to say it else I'd feel bad forever, I won't be able to sleep tonight.

I'm going t get up at 6am tomorrow t get ready for school. I've t go sleep now, buay tahan. G'nights!

I love to see his smile back at me & I know he is happy

2008-11-24T23:31:00.001+08:00

Damn, ain't it crazy when you're loveswept.

I'm so in love with Jason Reeves & the song Permanent. It's been on repeat since I got it until now. I've yet to put it into my iPod. I shall do it tomorrow morning :)

Woke up, washed up, make up & rushed out of the house to meet Zoe at Compass Point. We took a train down to Outram & went to Health Promotion Board. Wasted 45 minutes there just to collect a pair of concert tickets. School was definitely boring today but still bearable. When Mr San talked about sex, everyone seemed so awake. Tsk tsk so I told Zoe, the one topic that you can be sure to wake the entire humanbody up is sex. And she agreed. Especially boys. Tsk tsk see the way they get excited, aiyo!

An English professor wrote the words: 'A woman without her man is nothing' on the chalkboard & asked his students to punctuate it correctly. All the males in the class wrote: 'A woman, without her man, is nothing.' All the females in the class wrote: 'A woman: without her, man is nothing.'

Punctuation is powerful.

You're the Wall-E to my Eve.
I love you ♥

What really interest me today was that "You think English is easy?" essay & the sentences he showed us. It's really interesting. I went to google it & here it is:

He showed the below list to us & I thought it was interesting so I'd share.. :) Make sure you read them carefully!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

/

There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by
ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell on one day and cold as hell another?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

People, not computers invented English, and it reflects the creativity of the human race
(which, of course, is not a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it!

-Richard Lederer

Interesting much? If it didn't end at 6pm today, I'd have really enjoyed myself. But thanks for that extra an hour. I felt like dying. I am so damn tired! :( :( And there's presentation tomorrow. Fuck it I don't know even about it until today oh my tian :( :( I am desperately in need of sleep &comfort!

< RANT >
Have I mentioned how much I hate it when I text someone & they don't reply me? I find it so damn rude & I really hate it. I don't wanna sound like a bitchy kid but I will do the same back to you when you are in need of my help, or hoping to see my reply. Well, if you think that you're not in the wrong when you don't reply, then I am telling you now that you are. You are so rude. And I hate you. I hate you for not replying me when I am looking forward to your next reply 'cos I have the courage to finally tell you what I've been bottling up inside the past seventeen days!
< /RANT >

But apart from that, you made me smile thrice today. Once for feeling better, once for your name on my screen, once for "remember?" :) And I've lost the "I love you sunshine!" feeling I used to get from you. I've lost it, are you happy? :[

How our love can be this real but still not be good enough for you?

You blew my mind, left me behind, & now I'm living in your past

2008-11-23T22:16:00.000+08:00

You say you don't see any part of me to love in all this mess.

I thought I'd find peace on a cold, rainy Sunday. But calm isn't the word to describe how I've been feeling all day. When I woke up, I felt really horrible from what I read last night. I wish I didn't open it up so I won't have to read it. What's done, cannot be undone so.. Whatever, I just gotta get over it. I don't want having to feel like shit all the time..

I guess one of the reasons why I cannot let it go is because it may never come back. Or rather I know it will never come back & I really want it to come back so I cannot afford to just let it go. I don't know. But letting go is the only thing to do right now, I guess?

"To be honest, I'm not sure about this whole scared of commitment business. I think it's become too handy, a useful phrase that men can bandy about whenever they feel like being assholes. And sure, I do believe there are some men who are genuinely terrified of commitment, but there aren't that many, and for the most part I think it's that they haven't met the right woman yet. Because if a man, no matter how scared he professed to be, met the woman of his dreams, he wouldn't want to let her go, would he? And sure, he might not want to actually get married, but if he were madly in love & risked losing her, he'd do it, wouldn't he? That's what I think, anyway."
(Mr Maybe, by Jane Green)

I spoke a lot about you, moving on & letting go today. First was to Michy, then to J & now to April. I was tearing when I talked to Michy. It happens whenever I speak of you, I just can't help it. I was crying buckets when I talked to J. I blurted things out that I never thought I would, ever until I am over this. When I talked to April, heart's a bit heavy but still alright. Not sobbing, or tearing.

Few days back, mom & I were texting & she sent me another text while I was replying to her previous text. I didn't want to send another text to make it so confusing so I went to read it first. It reads: "4got to tell u, mummy love you so much." I was in the train & I couldn't stop crying. I really love mom though at times she's so hateable & in the past, I used to write a lot about how much I hate my mom & my family. I've always wanted to tell her all that has been happening the past two weeks 'cos I remember when I was going through this moving on ordeal over Xav, my mom was there & she helped me through it bit by bit. I replied her telling her that I was going through a rough patch & as much as I want to tell her & seek comfort, I don't want her to worry about me & at the same time, I don't want to let her down. I told her I am a strong girl & this will get by, I will be able to make it there. And I also told her that I really love her a lot.

And now mom got to know about everything already. Thanks to we-all-know-who-would-do-such-a-thing. I teared (again. I'm sorry that I am a cry baby ok I don't have a choice!) the instant I heard about it. The reason why I kept it from her 'cos I still want to appear strong in front of her. I wonder what she was in her mind when she got to know about it. I don't want her to confront me but I want her comfort. I talked about you to her just now before dinner then she was like, "You & * ok right.. Never go out already ah?" I hid away from her eyes & told her yeh we're good, not going out as often as we used to, that's all. We're both too busy with school & etc, so we don't go out so often. She doesn't wanna see me sad & I know she has my interest at heart. I just don't wanna disappoint her & show her that I'm vulnerable.. I don't know but I love you mom, and that's why I cannot bring myself to let you down.

I was this close to put up one of my favourite photobooth photo of ours as my desktop wallpaper. But I hesitated. I don't want to put up photos of times I used to be so happy when I am not anymore, right now. It makes me feel worse.

Why won't you find me somewhere & we can kiss like I always wanted to kiss you? Appear at my lift lobby like you used to. We'll take many lift rides as you want & I'd be sure to give you more than just one kiss. Let me forget that we were never meant to be & you are no longer my somebody, let me forget that you've long forgotten about me.

Day sixteen: You're turning into this cold monster I've never met before. Miss you, anyway.

P/s: School tomorrow & I have nothing packed. So dead. Effin' lazy. I shall do it all tomorrow. Off to call Yan! (L)

Love?

2008-11-23T02:51:00.000+08:00

Love /lʌv/ [luhv] noun, verb, loved, lov·ing. –noun

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.

Let me be all six on your list, darling.

And to tell you the truth I lost my faith in you

2008-11-22T23:56:00.000+08:00

I need you & you only when the weather gets this cold.

I am tired, I am sleepy, I am in need of a good full body massage, I am in need of a calmer mind, I am in need of a pair of listening ears, I am in need of a shoulder to lean on, I am in need of you.

I don't know, I am going insane.
Shut up Glynis, right now.

But I know today was a good day. Though it didn't started out well but still. I was happy before I read what you wrote in MSN. Oh well..

I spent my last $15 (well, it isn't exactly last but I don't wanna spend too much this month so yeh) on cab fare. I took a cab down to Plaza Sing to meet J 'cos I was late.

But not appreciated.

Anyway, I met Merlz to get my late birthday present! F21 hinge wallet yay :D J & I walked over to Wisma thinking that Topman is still there but when we were at Park Hotel then I remembered that Topman actually moved to Isetan Orchard & there's another outlet at Suntec City. We went over to Taka, shopped around Wisma before walking back to Plaza Sing.

I was damn pissed with the weather. & not being appreciated. I hate it.

We sat down at TCC for late lunch + tea break (me, actually). I don't really like TCC but J changed my opinion of that. She managed to, haha.

Classic, her fav pose for now

After that, we took a bus down to Suntec City. After much consideration, she finally decided that she will get the blue stripe pullover & the green pullover. Haha I am so good at this I tell you omg so proud of myself! But when it comes to shopping for myself, I suck :/ J is better at it.

Hm, we weren't hungry so we walked around Suntec City. Wanted to have dinner but we were too full from TCC! So we walked over to Marina Sqaure & guess who we bumped into?

ELMO! :D

YES SO CUTE RIGHT OMG LA! We came at the right time, they were doing the finale :D Heh so cute. So anyway we went to BK & ate a little. We're both on a tight budget hahah so gotta eat cheap. It was still early so we just like, took our time to walk to the train station & all that. Yan called to ask if we wanted to Starbucks but Jeremy was taking forever to shower... So :( cannot meet them.

But J & I went to the park, couldn't find a dry place to sit on so we went to the playground.

Thank you J, for today :)
The late lunch, the dinner, the walk home & tolerating me & my nonsense. Heh see you on Friday!

I am so in love with Jason Reeves. His songs are amazing, omg I am going to haunt for his albums. I love love love the songs he sang with Colbie Caillat - Permanent & Droplets. I prefer Permanent more though. I shall continue looking for the songs, toodles!

There's always a lot of thoughts in my head, & a lot for me to say, but do I have it in me to open up my mouth & let it all out?

But if anyone could save me, it would be you

2008-11-21T23:49:00.000+08:00

I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head where I would impress you with every single word I said.

I'm feeling extremely drained & tired before the weekends are even here. I haven't had time to clear out my closet which I've been wanting to do so ever since I came back from Bangkok. I haven't slept well either. Been waking up a lot in between sleep, I really hate it. I'd just roll around & can't get back to sleep. Once I slept for about 8-9 hours, I'd just wake up. Bleah, this sucks :(

School was alright. Wolverine shouted at us today for talking. I was merely listening to Zoe :x And he's stressing us a lot with the assignments. I am sooo dead. After class, I took a train down to Bugis to meet J then we took a train back to my place. I realised it was a total waste of time doing that but I just didn't want J to come down alone & all. I went home, put down my things & brought the slr out.

Met Yan & M at Ajisen! We had dindin there (:
After dinner, we went for some Starbucks lovin' <3

Finally.. after many failed attempts thanks to M!

CNBFF!

The new BFFs!

It was damn fun night, I have to admit. We stayed until about 11pm before we go on our separate ways. They went town, J walked me home before she went home herself by cab. The sudden appearance of their friends Jeremy & a few others (I cannot remember who!) didn't affect me at all. I thought it'd be weird, I'd be so out of place but it was alright with Jeremy around. He's just fucking funny.

Yan: Eh pronounce this name
Jeremy: I don't know la
Yan: Try la!
Jeremy: Girl's name ah?
Yan: Yeh la her name (points t me)
Jeremy: Wahlau so difficult never mind la girl then I call you 'zha bor' can already lor!

Not forgetting the joke about the grandfather mopping the floor in a skirt, 'you get the joke?' & 'so swit'. It was funny omggggg

And throughout the entire time we were there, hell lot of profanities were thrown all over the table. But I guess this was what that made it really funny. The way they talk & all that.

G: I bought herbal drink for--
Yan: Eh wahlau so good! I also sick lor why he have I don't have!! I'm your cnbff leh!
G: Er. I.. Aiya I see the way he sniff cough blow nose sniff cough blow nose behind me everyday leh concern a bit la!
Yan: Ok ok ok then?

Sickening.
But still love you :D

M is a bitch to me. I swear. It is official. She hates me. She just like to shoot me with everything ok annoying bitch. (Ok no, not that way. Still wuv u, i ai wu ji wu :D) And omg you both, thanks for all that you-know-what-you-both-did & awkward moments. Thanks a lot la, I really needed that la k & yeh love you damn a lot lor. Assholes @^!*$%#%!!

But to sum up, I really enjoyed myself & I'm sure J did too. We'll gather again soon :) xoxo

P/s: Get well soon, bbff (:

A few questions that I need to know

2008-11-21T02:57:00.001+08:00

Unasked questions linger in the air between us.

But the one chewing at my mind is 
do you ever think about us anymore?

What might you say if you could tell me anything?

2008-11-20T23:34:00.000+08:00

So when you ask me why I cannot love you more calmly, I answer that to love you calmly is not to love you at all.

The silence still kills me but it isn't as bad as before.

Behind the tough guy mask you put up is still the same sweetheart that gave me butterflies.
Behind the happy girl mask I put up is still the same girl you fell in love with.
I'm sorry, nothing's ever gonna change that xx

School was definitely boring, I swear. But Miss Zoe Ong Ban Teng has decided that today shall be her first day of school. She finally turned up, yes. TDMC is a killer. Fucking boring. I love TPSW, no matter how 'wolverine' the lecturer looks & how he has got stupid rules. It's English & I really love English. Plus, it's interesting! Not boring like TDMC & HMC.

We had lunch at Tiong, Long John Silver :) Lovelove. We had a nice long (not really) talk that caused our past memory to flash back in our minds which made Shim tear. I felt stupid but at that point of time, it felt right so no regrets? I kept telling myself that, I kept telling Shim that. Don't look back & feel like it's so dumb, why am I so stupid & all that. It just goes to show how we can do so much for love while they can't. Guys, they fail at this. Terribly.

And Shim said something that can't stop ringing in my head right up 'til now: If it's so hard for you, why not just text *? Just go ahead. I'm sure * will reply you.

We went back home at around 2pm. Went out with mom & dad after that to Toa Payoh. I was effin' sleepy but I just wanted to sit in the car & talk to them both. Spend some quality time together. When we came back, Aunt Shirley, Jermaine, Jenae & Gran came over at our place for dinner. (:

I was texting April & she said something that made me smile: ..I believe * know that you care after all.
It's more than just this but I cannot remember the exact sentence.

I'm meeting April tomorrow for lunch, before I go off to school. After class, J's coming over to pick me up at school then we'll meet Yan & M for dindin (: I want Starbucks. Til midnight? :D

Sounds like an amazing Friday ahead, I can feel it.

She turns 19 today

2008-11-20T00:00:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHIMMYBABY ♥

Finally 19, yay or no yay? We'll get your presents soon, & everyone else's. Hahah. I'm so glad you're happier now. I'm happy for you, yknow. I hope you had fun with the girlfriends & WLH. Tell me how did it go okkkk (: Make sure WLH choose the right song out of his songbank to serenade to you. When he got concert, must invite me ahhh. Hahah. Spread some Thai-Chinese love to us! & I guess one of your wishes & dreams came true before you blow out the candles & made the birthday wish, no?

(: love you!

It makes more sense for me to be near you

2008-11-19T23:30:00.003+08:00

I thought I could live in your arms & spend every moment I had with you.

My eyes are closing, at 11.30pm. This is no joke. I almost fell asleep in the cinemas just now. We watched Quantum of Solace. Second time watching it but yeh it's still nice! ~~I shall do a proper update tomorrow.~~ There's class at 9am tmr & I'm prepared to be late & to walk in an hour late, looking like a zombie.

/Edit

Met J at Queenstown train station. She was effin' late!! Thanks girls, for waiting for her with me :)

We took a train down to Plaza Sing & bought tickets for the next show. Quantum of Solace is reaaaally good.

PRETTY VERY GORGEOUS I LIIIIIKE

I wanted to watch this show 'cos of Olga. Haha she's pretty whatttt, I liiiiike!
After the movie, we had late lunch at Mos.

We look sooooo happy. J looks retarded, as usual, nothing fascinating.

Thank you laaaaaa

Wahlau si eh act cool siol

Left: Passport photo?

I wanted to have butterfly prawns but she insisted that I get a set meal so I did. & she still bought butterfly prawns for me. Yay thanks :) love it.

Yan was supposed to accompany me in the noon tmr & she forgot about it :( I shall take the time to rest, I haven't had proper sleep for quite some time with all those dreams with you in it. Hm, they make me miss you even more. So near yet so far..

April said I grew stronger, matured a lot within the past few days. ^^ yay it's so nice to hear that. I'm so glad I managed to take the first big step. Remember they said the first step is always the hardest? But if you don't take the first step, you won't start the walk. Take the first, then the second, come the third & so on. I managed to stop thinking about you for a while but everything I do will always remind me of you. I am the man of my thoughts. I can stop myself from thinking but these love reminders? *shrugs* I can't stop them..

But but but! I'm not giving up just yet. This is a part of the process, Y/Y? Yes :)
And I flipped through our photobooth photos today. I was smiling, memory flashes back to when we were young & in love. Not forgetting, we were also very very happy. I'm glad I have all of these with me for keepsake. I know, no matter how I try & forget you, there will always be a place for you in my heart, whether you like it or not. I will always remember the times together, be it good or bad. A heart don't forget something like that..

Oh, yknow S saw your reaction when you saw the surprise. After I saw you texting & walking down the stairs, my phone beeped & it was from you with a =) in the text. I'm happy, yknow. Although I didn't get to see the smile I wanted to see on your face from the surprise but just imagining it was good enough.

Remember we both agreed that things are gonna be the same & nothing's ever gonna change?

I think it’s time I let my love for him die

2008-11-18T21:10:00.000+08:00

But looking back I guess I didn't know that I was in love & you were letting go.

Feeling: Very light :)
Listening: The tv

Yes indeed very light. I feel happy typing this, haha. I woke up to an empty house, with the dream I dreamt of last night playing in my head. Oh, did I mention that I dreamt of you again? I played some music on the stereo just so I wouldn't feel so quiet. When I was in the kitchen, I feel you. All of a sudden. The smell of nicotine rise up like the hot air balloon, then came this familiar smell that I used to smell like whenever I get home after spending a day with you. No no no, I musn't think so much..

Fifteen minutes to 12pm, I took out the diary & wrote a letter to you, telling you how I really feel. As much as I wish you'd read it, you will never get the chance to. Just when I was about to leave the house, I cut on something & I was bleeding profusely. It was extremely painful :( I couldn't stop the blood at all! I hope there won't be a scar.. :/ I was so fed up with myself in the train when I realised that I forgot to take my medication in the morning. I hate it, I want to get well soon & I should take my medicine regularly!!

School was amazing today. I was telling they two I'm feeling very happy today & I asked if they can feel it. My mood affects my out & about in the day, as you can see. What I learned today really amazed me. TPSW is quite fun after all, despite the Wolverine lookalike lecturer. I cannot stop saying, 'Omg he looks a lot like Wolverine with that hair! And with the *makes a face* grrr look!'

Shimin came to school late but she bought something for us! J.co donuts <3<3 :D

Hazelnut, double chcocolate, oreo!

I had the double chocolate one :) Yumyum!

After class, Shimin & I sat at Outram station to waste a little time before she head for work as it was still early. We left at around 5.30pm & I got home at 6pm. The train was fast today!

I watched this video twice & still lol-ed. I love Ellen Denegeres :)

It won't be long now, until you come crawling back for more. I've got to admit I'm hoping that I'm what you're looking for. You are the greatest thing that's happened to me. If you stay with me, I can prove we will make it together. I wish I could still say this but decisions have been made & I'm not gonna change my mind. I'm proud of myself for what I've decided to do. I really hope I will start seeing myself soon :)

Oh am gee you guys (Ellen Denegeres said that in the video!), check out my horoscope for today. I'm so..shocked.

Your Horoscope Today : 18 Nov 2008

You will be on a mental and physical high today. Your high spirits will charm everyone around you, be it at home or at work. Even your output at work increases in quality and quantity because of this! Use today to push forward on any pending tasks and your productivity will be exceptionally high today.

I'm feeling happier than before after I've read this.

Oh I did not mention in yesterday's post that this sem we are having class with another class, DMCD2 0846A. There's this shy Thai boy..& if you don't know, I always have fetish for Thai boys. And shy boys really interest me hahaha I think they are cute! And there's this hottie who sat in front me yesterday..he totally 'whaaaa' the girls when he turned around! I wonder if he's mixed, he sure look mixed to me.. I really wanna know, damn curious!

Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But you never forget them, & sometimes, it's those memories that give us the strength to go on.

There's morning class tomorrow, 9-12pm!! :( :( After that I'll have lunch with the girls (yay finally) before meeting J for movie. I've been on the phone with Yan for the past few days & she never fails to make me smile or laugh at least once before we hang up. And we agreed that she'll come over when the folks are away yay!! :D Someone promised to accompany me, but I don't know if they remember.. Anyway I'm really tired, I've been sleeping at 4am almost every night! I shall have an early night :)

P/s: Yan ahhhh where are you!! We need to discuss about x & I need to tell you about x!

Now I don't know if I'm ever really gonna let you go

2008-11-17T23:12:00.000+08:00

I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this like every inch of me is bruised.

Horoscopes can be so scary. Mine for today.

Your Horoscope Today : 17 Nov 2008

Your relationship with a loved one may not be very warm at this time. As much as you would like to sort matters out immediately, this may not be happening to your satisfaction. Maybe this loved one needs time and understanding. Give them enough time, but try to keep the dialogue going on some small level. Tackle the issue with a lot of tact and diplomacy.

I read it to Yan over the phone & her immediate response was 'What the fuck, damn accurate la yours!'.

Jemi: Us! We're gonna get you out. GET YOU OUTTTT of it.

The journey to school was really hard but I survived it. The journey from school back home was even harder. I was sobbing throughout the whole ride home. J was on the phone with me, trying to keep me positive & tell me how things are like from her view outside of the circle I'm in.

She kept telling me that people come & go, & I should be able to accept this by now after having to face so much of these in my entire eighteen years of life. But I guess I'm not strong enough. I always thought that I was. Looking at the state I am in right now really disappoints me a lot. I've never seen this side of Glynis. J told me to stay positive. But the more I try to, something else will come along the way to bring me down. I told her I dread every morning that I wake up to, I'm afraid of falling asleep every night. 'Cos I don't know what I am about to face, what I have to put up with, who am I gonna meet again tonight in my dreams, how much fake smiles I have to put up before the day is over. And she said something that kept ringing in my head, 'Do you know that every single day that you wake up to, the misery gets a little bit lesser but you just don't feel it? 'Cos you keep saying it's hard but you don't know that it is getting better everyday. Look at it at a different light. Don't be so negative.'

Make sense, really it does.

To the boy sitting in front of me:

You are so hot, call me 9xx9xxx8

Love, Glyn :)

He asked us to do this assignment today.
Qns: What is happiness?
My answer: Happiness is when I have you. Happiness is when I know you're always there. Happiness is when you'll catch me when I fall. Happiness is when you never fail to put up a smile on my face. Happiness is when I know that you love me. Happiness is when I have tangles in my hair & you still look me in the eye & tell me I'm beautiful.

Shimin read it & she was like, 'Eh, stand up & read la. Daring a bit. Stand up & read!'

I shall post this question on ljcommunities or forums to see other people's answer! :D

I am trying to grap the notion that you no longer care. It is kinda like I am numb to the factor that you no longer love me the same like before. As much as it hurts, I keep thinking maybe you'll come back.

Oh, if you're wondering, first day of school sucked. So badly. The lecturer is by far the worst lecturer I've seen. Ugh.. So not looking forward to tomorrow :( I'm going to sleep now, g'night!

But leaving you is the last thing on my mind

2008-11-16T23:33:00.000+08:00

Boring boring Sunday. It's just me and the lappy with ANTM to watch & a lot of thoughts in my head. I feel like I can only write well when I'm down & quite emotional. Or rather, very emotional. And sometimes, in conversations, I'd just say something so wise & it totally make sense to me. Weird but I like those moments :)

I think best friends are the ones who've been through what you've been through. They understand where you're coming from & where you're going. It's always a challenge to stick by a friend who's making choices we don't agree with & are sometimes even dangerous, but it's at these times that our best friends need us the most.
And my best friend? Tan Yan Hui <3
I love chuuuu, cnbff!

My tarot card reading for today is sooo true. I asked a few questions & here's the results.

how you feel about yourself now (The World)

You are about to reach, or are already enjoying, a period of total fulfilment, wholeness and satisfaction - the arrival of your hearts desires. You feel satisfied with what you have achieved and are enjoying the rewards of past efforts. A time of happy outcomes, material wealth and greater spiritual awareness.

what you most want at this moment (The Hierophant)

The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is to have someone around you that you can trust and confide in, knowing that they won’t let you down. There are moral issues here, knowing right from wrong, and you may feel that you need some advice or wise counsel from a teacher, priest, parent or someone you have a lot of respect for, in order to help you make the right decision.

your fears (The Devil)

You are afraid that it's out of control, you simply cannot resist this passionate attraction. Despite the fact its addictive and unlikely to be right, you just can’t stop yourself. Whatever it is, a passion for someone who’s not good for you, money deals that are too good to be true or any other kind of temptation, try to resist, as it is unlikely to have a positive outcome. If you're feeling low in self-belief and self worth and doubt your abilities, don’t, have more confidence - its not too late to change direction.

what is going for you (The Hermit)

You are instinctively taking time to relax and reflect, drawing on your inner strength and wisdom to guide you through these difficult times. Time is a great healer, so if you don’t know quite what to do now in time you will. The Hermit signals a warning not to make hasty decisions, and if you have been unwell this is a time for rest and recuperation.

what is going against you (Death)

This is a time of anxiety, depression and fear with all the turmoil and distressing events happening in your life - it's time to show what you are made of. What has now come to an end leaves room for brand new beginnings in life, love and career. However radical events may be in your life, believe that life goes on and life is what you make of it.

outcome (The Hanged Man)

You will in time know what decision to make about who or what must be given up. This is a time of passage from one phase of your life to another. It may be a difficult choice, and self-sacrifice is never easy, but if you look for truth and integrity and don’t be too materialistic or hang onto things or people for all the wrong reasons, everything will turn out in your favour.

How true! Especially those in italic.

And to be completely honest, a love like ours is what I call 'worth fighting for'.
We have to love each other as hard as we can now while we still have the chance to.

I'm putting myself in shit all the time. When things are already terrible enough, I just have to let words roll off my tongue which leads to me having to know the harsh truth and.. I don't know. There's a limit to how much I can take. It's so hard right now to have to slowly all of these digest & I have to come to terms with it. It's easy to believe someone when they tell you exactly what you want to hear, is it not?

It's not about what you do wrong and what you do right, it's about how much you try, and I'm sorry to say this but you're just taking the easy way out.

I was talking to J in the noon & I was just talking to her about things & she said this..
Jvern: Glynis, before you want to protect or help others, please learn to protect yourself.
please learn to protect yourself.
please learn to protect yourself.
please learn to protect yourself.
please learn to protect yourself.
please learn to protect yourself.

I really have to get this into my pea brain.

UGH SCHOOL TOMORROW :( so not looking forward.. But I'm finally seeing the girlies so it's making me really excited!! I hope it's a good day tomorrow :D

Day nine: My heart still skip a beat when I see your name.

It's too hard to belong to someone who is gone

2008-11-15T22:25:00.000+08:00

I was once alive when you held me.

I woke up late & I was supposed to meet April at 12pm. In the end, we only got to meet up at almost 3pm. Sat around to talk at Starbucks.

Shit, I think I'm at Starbucks almost everyday.

"Trust is a fragile thing. Once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom. But once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover. Of course the truth is, we never know who we can trust. Those we're closest to can betray us, & total strangers can come to our rescue. In the end, most people decide to trust only themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned."

Left at around 4ish for dinner with the family. Dad picked me up at Ang Mo Kio & he drove us to Jalan Bantai to have Nonya food at Ivins! My favourite :D After dinner, we went to Bishan J8 to shop for winter wear. Bought Haagen Dazs home! 2 pints + 3 boxes. Yay!

I bought the slr out for nothing today :(

All I need to hear is that you miss me & think about me. Then you can go on with your life & I can go on with mine, acting like being without each other is just fine.

I lost myself, do you know what that feels like?

2008-11-14T23:48:00.001+08:00

Could have loved you all my life, if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold.

We were supposed to go Sentosa to play Luge in the morning but me being sleepyhead, I slept at 4am in the morning the night before so I only managed to drag myself out of the bed at 11am. Whoa we were so late & after delaying so much time, all of us lost that vibe.

Che wanted to head home but before that she accompanied me to waste time before I meet J. So I accompanied her to lunch at Yoshi.

We left at around 3pm.
Took train down to meet J for HSM3!! :D We bought the tickets at the AXN machine 'cos there was only 2am show at Plaza Sing. We took a bus down to Marina Square after that!

Teehee & we had Starbucks.
Ice blended mango passion fruit + oreo cheesecake <3

We talked about random stuff & forgot that it was time for our show!

Anyway, HSM3 is the best. I love it. I could watch it over & over & over again without feeling sick of it at all. J & I cannot stop saying how Vanessa Hudgens is very pretty & Zac Efron is soo sizzlin' hot :D Love his blue aqua eyes!

After the movie, we walked over to Suntec. Window shopped. I lost interest in shopping lately. This is bad. The only thing that makes me very happy does not work anymore. We had dinner at the food court. Our favourite kway chap <3 I haven't ate so much in a day. All thanks to J. She kept putting the food on my bowl, so I cannot not finish it. I hate having leftovers in my bowl.

We took a bounce train back to Sengkang. Sat around at the park to talk. I don't know if I'm going to regret what I said to her just now. But I hope not. I told her the things that I never thought I could tell her at all, or she probably wouldn't understand what it's like to be me. But letting my heart spill whatever it has to to someone I used to call family feels really good. I just wished she was this family that I could keep by my side all the time so I wouldn't have to keep searching for true friends..

Ok I don't know what am I talking about anymore. I shouldn't even be blogging about this.

'Cos I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

I can't stop myself from looking & noticing you noticing me

2008-11-13T23:48:00.000+08:00

When they ask me what I liked the best, I'll tell them, it was you.

I woke up at 12 today & I was effin' late. I washed up, Ray came & we went off to Dhoby Ghaut by train. Bought tickets for the movie & walked around in the arcade.

We caught Madagascar 2!!

I love the penguins. Damn cute!
We were sitting on the front second row. I know, right it's so tiring! After the movie, my eyes were so tired & my neck was damn painful :( And worse still, it was freezing cold. It was raining outside and kinda caused the theatre to be fucking cold. Bleah I forget to bring my hoodie out :(

After the movie, went for a smoke, bought cigs & took the train back to my place. Got a drink & my magazine at 7 Eleven. Sat around at the void deck to talk as it was still early. That stupid idiot, how can he be my best friend seriously am I blind or what! I asked him to go food expo with him & he just refuse to. Idiotzzzz. Left at around 6ish& went home for dinner.

Thanks to Sass, I'm addicted to Channel 8's 7pm show Ten Brothers. It's funny la omg hahaha! After we're done with the show, Zel, Che & I went over to Starbucks for coffee. Camwhored a lot! (Visuals l8r) Ordered like 4 drinks from Starbucks, butterfly prawns + corn soup + clam chowder from Mos :D Yumzzzzzzz I haven't ate so much in a long time bleahz! After that we got home around 11ish. And we're watching HSM1 and HSM2 on DVD now ;)

I really love nights like these when I kept ranting & they just listen over coffee & cakes. I want more! Yan was supposed to come meet me to talk but she couldn't make it :( She's online, lending me her eyes ;) I merely said I needed photos to blog & new photos for display pictures & whatnot. This is the outcome. There's a lot more than just these. But these are my favourite lot! I have like 100 over of them in my folder. Yay! All thanks to Che :D

And also the DSLR: You're so amazing I love you bb!

I'm so sleepy right now I shall go to bed soon. I'm not even supposed to be online! Gotta wakie at 9am tomorrow to get ready for Luge ;) heh heh heh! Meeting J after that for movie & dindin!

P/s: ORLY so this is nonsense? Why beeg thanks to you bitches. For your infomation, my dear, these heartfelt emotions are not nonsense.

You're at the back of my mind, all the time

2008-11-12T21:35:00.004+08:00

We used to talk about everything & now it's almost impossible to have a decent conversation with you.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YAN (L)(L)(L) !!!
I know how much you dread this but face it, you're finally 20 already :D I hope the surprise was a great one. Tell me about it when you're back! We'll meet up for dindin next week ok? And also, thanks for everything. From listening to me bawl & cry like some fucktard to listening to me go on & on about how amazing * is <3 :)

It's kinda like, the difference between putting my own hand on my knee, & you putting your hand on my knee. When I touch my knee, I don't feel it. Nothing happens. It is just.. there. But when I have your hands on mine, I feel everything. Every move of your palm, every squeeze of your hand, & every brush of your finger, & I feel it right down to my toes & up to your neck, everything in my body tingles, but it's the most wonderful thing ever. Every move you make makes a difference.

I've been on Pet Society all day. It's damn fun! Super addictive. I'm at level 31 already. I went up about 10 levels today. Muahahaha I got no life. Supposed to go Ikea but the heavy downpour caused us to cancel our plans for the day. :( I thought we could go hkcafe for supper but the rain did not stop! Ugh this sucks.. Butbutbut I'm meeting Ray tomorrow! Though everything's not confirm yet but still. I'm finally going out of the house & out of Pet Society for awhile :D

You know you really love someone when you don't hate them for breaking your heart. And it's true. I never really hated you for doing all these, causing all the heartbreak & such. At least you were honest enough with me. At least we both spoke up & I'm glad things between us are somewhat fine for now. At least you know how much I wanted this to work & how much I love you. I'd be lying if I said I stopped thinking about you, I'm not missing you at all, the urge to hold you is no longer here or I do not love you the same like before. During the day, I forget to miss you for hours at a time. But I always remember at night. Always. I turn on the radio, the television & iTunes on my lappy to block out thoughts of you & us. I keep telling myself that I'd do fine alone 'cos I do not want to breakdown & hurt myself like I always do when I'm reminded that I'm alone. How fucking scared I was, you have no frikkin' idea. I wondered how in the past when you were away or busy I never felt so alone. Then I figured that in my mind I knew you'd always be there, you're always next to me. One text or call from me & you'd definitely drop everything you're doing on hand to give me your 101% attention. I really miss that feeling..

I thought I wouldn't mention you in this entry today. Sigh, I guess all these feelings only come at night.

You always say, anything for you dear =)
Do you remember?

Your head is hanging trying to beat those goodbye blues

2008-11-12T02:37:00.000+08:00

I'm a lot better today than every other day. I deserve a pat on my shoulders & a beeg hug :) I just hope this feeling lasts for long. Mom was looking at how I played Pet Society all day with the iTunes on & the telly on. And she said I'm childish!! :( We had Gelare waffles for supper again tonight. It was good. Tomorrow I'll go have fun with Zel & Che!

Sometimes you need a second chance because you weren't quite ready for your first.

I often wonder if the second chance was worthy or do we even need it or should we just forgo it & move on with our lives like how we are already trying to do? Do I even deserve the second chance?

***

After all my time here on this earth, I've learned a few things. But above all things, I've learned that you will know when you're in love. You'll feel it. And trust me, the one you love will never hurt you. Never. He will always be there for you no matter what. Sometimes you don't realize how much you really love him until you really think about it, but once you find these feelings, there's nothing that could possibly take them away. Not the biggest storm of the century, not miles, not someone else, not family, not age, nothing. Love can never be taken away.

We were on the bus & I was leaning on your chest, trying so hard to sleep. You were breathing deeply, slowly, and your heart was beating fast. All I could do was count the beats. Wondering what was in your heart, wondering who was on your mind..

You wouldn't be paying attention, so I'd just stop & stare. Everything you do, whether you mean to do it or not, it makes me love you even more. You'd notice me watching & smile or make a silly face at me. You'd hit my knee & grab my hand. You'd lace my fingers with yours, you'd play with my hands & tell me how fair as sheet I am. You'd make fun of me & we'd hit each other while we fought about who was better. You would refuse my money, but I'd always sneak it into your pocket when you weren't looking. You'd try to sneak it back, but I was always too smart for you. You snuck up behind me, you tickled me & you made me go down to meet my mom. You dragged me down the hall while I was screaming, saying I didn't want to go. You made sure I didn't get in any trouble. You looked out for me. Things were perfect. I could not come close to asking for more.

Being friends with someone you would rather be in love with is like being invited behind the barn "to look at the stars" & only looking at the stars. Somehow I wish you knew how hard it is to keep pretending like all that we had was nothing at all. Like it was all a good dream.

"Do whatever that makes you feel better?"
"You know what? What that makes me feel better is what that makes me the way I am right now. Same person, same thing."

Oh, one more thing before you leave, just the thought of you makes my heart soar. :)

The hardest thing I do is wake up without you

2008-11-10T23:44:00.001+08:00

Love, it changed me, but I've been searching for a heart that will bring me to my knees.

Happy 18th, Nel!
Happy 19th, Jace!
Happy 19th, Shangari!
Happy 20th, exgf xavxav!
May all your wishes & dreams come truuuue ♥ love!

Proper update, at last? I finally cooled down & feeling a bit better today. Thanks Ray :)

Watched Lakeview Terrace with Ray today!
Very very good show. I kinda know what is it about already 'cos I watched Nicole's vlog about it :) It's about racism. I really like this show. Hmm..

After the movie, we sat around at the playground to talk. Heh heh

I'm feeling a lot better now. Not so bothered by it :) I really hope the feeling stays..

All I can do now is just pray to God that you're still there.
I just have to hope that you'll still love me after all this is gone.

Yan's coming over tomorrow!!!!
Something to look forward to, yay :D

It may have been in bits & pieces, but I gave you the best of me

2008-11-09T21:38:00.000+08:00

I know this is the part where the end starts.

It's like you understood completely before I even got to say a thing. I just sat down & put my head in my hands for a split second and right away, you knew I was crying. You asked what was wrong and I couldn't even speak, my sobs were stopping the words before they could get out. You knew right away. You made me breathe again. You made me laugh. You held onto me tight. How could you do something like that if you're not some kind of magic?

When I came back home, I broke down almost immediately without knowing Zel was around. I scared with her with the heavy sobs & all the 'I hate you *, I hate what you did to me..'

I really hate you, hate what you did to me, hate that I'm going through this alone while you're so glad on the other side that this is over. I hate to know that you're so busy with your life, you can't even be bothered with me. Do you really don't care or you cannot be bothered or you just pretend not to care?

*

Visuals? Yes.

My fav :)

Seriously, just ignore my damn-pek-cek face

She is sooo adorable (:

Pet Society marathon resumes!

You’re my weakness, still my lover in my mind

2008-11-09T06:31:00.000+08:00

It's not up to me anymore, whether you want me in your life.
Please find a way to put me there.

Darling, what happened? Please tell me, 'cos for one second, it was perfect, now you're half-way out the door. I stay up, at the phone, you still did not call. I feel so low, can't feel nothing at all & my memory flashes back to when you said, "Forever & always". And it rains in my bedroom, everything is wrong. It rains when you're here & it rains when you're gone. 'Cos I was there when you said, "Forever & always".

Sometimes I feel like I'm falling to pieces & the only thing that is going to make me smile is being in your arms again. I thought of you so much today. I know I shouldn've, & I shouldn't be either. But everything I did today has got something to do with you, or it will just reminds me of you. I can't believe this but it happened again. I was in a crowd today & I felt as lonely as ever. It's horrible. Do you know how it feels like? I hope you do 'cos I want you to know how terrible I am right now but at the same time, I do not want you to go through what I did.. I remember the first few weeks that we knew each other, we were always paired together with our lips pressed tightly amongst each other's. I also remember how each time we kiss, none of us have intentions of stopping. I hope you remember it too.

Sometimes the one who broke your heart is the only one who knows just where all the pieces fit, & sometimes the one who crushed your dreams is the only one you can rely on to make them come true.
Well, yknow what? This is one of the times.

I am so tired of guessing how you're feeling on the inside right now. Tear down that strong front of yours, my dear. Stop playing this pretence game with me. As much as I can keep pretending, my heart can't deny that it still beats for you.

And tonight, you really let me down.
Do you even remember the promises you made to me?
Two of it is, never leave me alone & always be here for me anytime.

All I need to know is that I'm something you'll be missing.

Ps: I'll blog again tmr with some visuals ^^ & try t be less emo. Gonna go try and get some sleep!

D60 BABY IS MINE MINE MINE

2008-11-08T23:51:00.000+08:00

ALL MINE :D

Heh heh today's outfit ;)

Haji Lane + Pluck for ice-cream treat + Dempsey for Long Beach + T3 for supper @ TCC = ♥ :)
I'll bring this to Jermaine's house tomorrow!

For now, I really need to wash up & start my Pet Society marathon ;)

Sassy babygirl turning 18! ♥

2008-11-08T00:00:00.000+08:00

Happy 18th, Sassy babygirl♥

Yay you're finally legal! I know how impatient you are waiting for today :) I hope you enjoyed whatever surprise is planned by the boyfriend. I'm really sorry that I couldn't be there :( But I promise I'd date you some time real soon, alright? We'll go dinner, maybe window shopping & chit-chat over caffeine over everything!
Lastly, I love you long time & have a blastin' time!!

P/s: That's two of my favourite photos of us! We should camwhore, really. No photos of us in '08!